Livewire, more quills, more gray space, and panic

So if you follow this blog regularly you will note that I recently commented about being in this relatively numb but calm gray space…

It carried over until yesterday morning. By yesterday afternoon, I was a livewire, meaning I could feel the zaps of mania bubbling under my skin, causing me to be a little happy, a little too friendly, a little too open mouthed. The filters were turning off, the feelings were returning, and the gray space was absent. The quills were still protruding but not to the extent that they were.

Like every other mood, towards the end of the day, the livewire portion ended and I descended back into pissed off sulky space, not wanting to set eyes on another human being other than my kid for three days.

SOOOO…Why did I expect an invitation to R’;s house when his wife called me?

Mainly for my kid, she mentioned that she had plants she wanted to get planted but she had been holding off so Spook and their granddaughter could help her since kids like getting dirty. Going there was the last thing I wanted to do since leaving livewire space had left me severely irritated with R. Plus, every time we are there, they bicker, it gets soo old. Also getting old is the reminder that he finds her less irritating than me. Seriously, dude? But then, he drinks more now than he ever did, so I guess that goes a long way in making someone tolerant. Maybe if I stayed drunk I would find him less annoying.

Anyway…we went. They bickered. A LOT. He stomped and yelled and went outdoors to sulk.

She sat around going, “Derp, why is he mad?”

Hmm, maybe because you never stop yapping at him and ordering him around no matter what he happens to be doing at the time…Frankly, I think they deserve each other because they are both so self absorbed and shallow.

But one thing about the woman…She is really good with little kids, very patient. Like last weekend when we were there, this weekend too, R was losing his  mind over every little thing the grandbaby did, and it was all just normal kid stuff. Kids are icky messy little mongrels and they don’t listen and they don’t mind and they are a handful. But then, he was in his twenties when his girls were that young. I know it gets harder when you’re older. That’s why I am trying to be more patient with my kid. I wish I had the patience his wife does. But alas, patience is not a virtue I was born with.

I went out to get them more booze last night and the tiny liquor store was mobbed. I mean, elbow to elbow. Enter panic attack from hell. Plus it was graduation night so the traffic was a mess. Gahhhh.

We eventually left after an episode of Dr. Who, during which he stomped out and stayed out.

If this is what e-harmony calls a successful match and marital harmony, they can bite my chubby butt. Those two stress me out, they fight so much. Reminds me of how much my parents fought because they simply didn’t like each other and had nothing in common. I’d rather be alone.

Today has been uneventful. Kind of back in grayspace. Getting caught up on some housework, although at a lazy pace. Oh, well.

I am kind of glad the livewire feeling is gone. It feels good, sure, but it’s a lot like going on a drunken bender then waking up to deal with all the stupid embarrassing shit you did the night before. I can do without it just fine.

It’s got me pondering a return to Lithium. Numbspace. I could not feel anything on Lithium. I was just dead inside. Not even death of a good friend could stir tears or any true emotion. I knew I was sad, I just didn’t feel it. But maybe right now, that’s exactly what I need. I just hated the weight gain and the hydration and sun issues and the blood work, it was such a hassle. But then, life is a giant hassle.

It’s food for thought.

With my luck, I’ll gain ten pounds just thinking. Might as well slather it directly on my chubby butt 😉



One Response to “Livewire, more quills, more gray space, and panic”

  1. ‘ livewire, meaning I could feel the zaps of mania bubbling under my skin, causing me to be a little happy, a little too friendly, a little too open mouthed.’

    Oh my god I get that exact same feeling! I call it ‘the fire’ because it literally feels like there’s a fire burning under my skin. Except drs then think I mean I get hot flushes, which is not it at all.

    I have declined lithium for those very reasons, the cons outweighed the potential positives. But right now anything would be better then feeling the way we do. The abilify did that to me. The cymbalta just made me angry all the time. I have been messing with my dosages, which I know is unwise and dangerous, but I have nothing left to try.

    Oh honey. I wish I could get a vacuum and vacuum all our bad feelings away. And then dump it, on fire of course, like oh so much dog crap on the door step of someone we don’t like.

    Lots of love beautiful.

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