And the knife goes into the back again…

Just got a call from R. Now he wants me to take courses to repair appliances. To “expand the business”. Riiight. I could just feel the disappointment in his voice when I said it is not something I am interested in or have an aptitude for. Of course, he kept pushing me to “rise above it all” and “it’s an opportunity to make money”. Yeah, so is working the corner, doesn’t mean I am interested.

I flat out told him what he wants me to be and what I am are two different things. Then I added that if I had any interest or aptitude I’d be fixing my broken fridge right now and I wouldn’t have had to throw out $120 worth of food that had thawed. Of course, that went right over his head because ya know, it’s not his problem. Yeah, he cares so much about me and my kid.

He was dejected. And I feel rejected. Because I won’t do exactly what he wants me to do, then suddenly I am disposable. He kept going on about how I am supposed to be his intern or he would have gone with the one his daughter was pushing. Never mind I told him FOUR times to go with the reliable person who actually wanted to fix broken stuff. Hell, I told him this just last week, and he acts like it’s the first he’s hearing of it. I don’t know if he has early onset Alzheimer’s, selective hearing, or if the beer has truly pickled his brain so much he can’t recall anything that happened more than five minutes ago.

I am pissed off. I said, “I guess my goal in life is to disappoint people.”

Geesh, he really truly wants me to live his life and be a mini me.

I guess I won’t be going back to the shop and my car repairs will not happen any time soon. Oh well. If that’s the price for being out from under his oppressive thumb, so be it.

It’s sad because sometimes he shows such a kind facet to his “me,me,me” personality. I think somewhere in there there is a decent person who is capable of empathy and listening.

Unfortunately, it’s never going to see light of day by his own choice.

Which leaves me with this wide open space and no clue what to do with it.

I get what he is trying to do. Give me an opportunity to better myself and support my kid. That’s great and I am grateful he is thinking that way. But had he listened to me at all, he’d know this isn’t something I am good at. Sure, you can be schooled and trained, but you have to grasp the basics. I don’t. And messing with electricity when the fundamental principles evade you is stupid.

Plus, just seven days ago I flat out said, loosely quoting myself, “I think it’s time for me to move on, there’s barely enough business to keep you afloat and I can’t live like that. I want to do something with my creativity so I’m going to look into classes, my time as shop wench is coming to an end.”

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT NOT CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR?

I guess some people only hear what they want to hear. The proof is that I have told him also repeatedly that I am willing to answer his phone and order his parts and deal with his customers, but beyond that, it’s all him. He won’t let this “rise above it” thing go. It means more to him than it does me. I don’t have anything to rise above. He’s the one looking down on me. I am fine with who I am. There is always room for improvement but I don’t feel less of a person than him simply because I don’t have some sort of vocational training.

Wow. I can’t believe I deluded myself all this time thinking he had my best interests at heart but all along what it’s been about is he doesn’t want to associate with someone with no education or training or job. Guess that was a case of me believing what I needed to believe rather than face the backstabbing truth.

This man is nothing but pain for me. No matter how much warm fuzzy feeling I have for him at times, he is toxic. And the fact that I had to write this post to reassure myself since he made me feel so shitty is just proof.

It would be like me walking in and pressuring him to take a writing course simply because I enjoy writing. The parallel is lost on him. Hell, everything is lost on him. Basic English has no impact. He is acting like I lead him on and I didn’t. I have been honest from the word go. How is it my fault he won’t listen?

Yet here I am, feeling guilty for letting him down.

And I know if I don’t kowtow to what he wants, I am gone, so I’m just gonna make myself gone by my own accord. Fuck ’em. Let Kenny the ever present mooch get the training. R doesn’t hold him to any standards yet me, he expects the sun moon and stars from. Is it faith in me or him believing what he wants?

I am capable of many things, maybe even great things. IF I could get my stupid misfiring brain on board. It has not been a good year for me thus far, so the brain issue is still in play. It may take awhile. It may never happen. But when I am cornered like this, it is absolutely never going to happen. I don’t know why he can’t figure that out. Has he met me???

Oh he has, he probably doesn’t remember it.

Fuck.

I really hate that my misanthropy is metastasizing. But it’s with cause.

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