All Points Bulletin: Searching for the Happy Medium

It hit me the other day when I was in the midst of a mood shift and an influx of varying emotions just swept over me. I am at a constant ebb and flow. Extremely up, extremely calm, or extremely down and tormented.

Why can’t I find a happy medium? The world is supposed to be about balance, but even with meds, I can’t seem to find any. When my mood shifts abruptly, the storm of emotions that taint my thinking is overwhelming.

Of course, my surroundings have an impact. Yet again R made a comment: “I like having you around but the last few days your mood has been pretty low. I guess it’s your meds or something?” Yes, because he is a happy fun ball ALL the time. Typical of him. He is allowed to be human and not be at his best all the time. Me, on the other hand, I am expected to be solid 24-7 and  when I am not, I get the typical jab about how I’m not that much different than I used to be.

I swear I have some sort of inner radar that finds the most toxic of people for me to surround myself with, as if I am punishing myself. I need to change that but at the moment, I need this brownie point thing.  It’s not healthy for my mental health, that’s for damn sure. This man is so pickled in booze and denial, there is like zero chance I will ever be able to be simply be myself around him. The pressure to keep my moods in his comfort zone is stifling. I told him point blank what this is doing to me psychologically…And he got snotty and basically said I was the same nagging never happy woman I used to be.

He is fine accepting his own faults. Hell, he accepts the faults of every0ne around him. Except me. The ONLY problem he seems to have with me is the mood swings. So by all means, judge me on a disorder I have no control over, that’s fair. Half his friends and his wife are just kind of unpleasant people, which is personality and could be changed. That is accepted. I have a damned illness and that’s a bone of contention, like I choose to live this way.

I don’t see this as never not being an issue for me. I tend to be tit for tat and give what I get. If he’s going to be douchey about this, then I feel entitled to be an absolute bitch to him. But I won’t be. Because I see him for what he is. More damaged than me. Most of the people around me are more damaged than me. I think they know it and that’s why they have to make me feel like the freak. Because I am at least doing something about it, I am making an effort to not be as damaged. They lack the self awareness and strength to do that.

Riiight, I’m psychoanalyzing everything.

It’s the only way I know how to cope aside from booze. If I can understand and reason why people are the way they are, then I don’t take it as personally. But maybe booze is the way to go. Numb is good. Of course, psychoanalyzing is free and doesn’t give me hangovers.

I just want a happy medium within my own mind.

But you don’t always get what you want, even if it’s just a basic human trait that for whatever reason, the fates decided you aren’t allowed the luxury of.

 

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