As predicted…I arose from the ashes of last night’s unexplained mood of absolute anger…and feel mellow today. Not angry. Not happy. Not depressed. Not particularly anxious. I just am. Other than my kid driving me insane not listening and hounding me to go outside, of course. That is never not gonna be annoying. It’s a kid and mom thing.

But even though today has thus far been calm on the mood front…I can’t help but wonder what triggers these mood swings. I keep thinking if I can pinpoint and identify what triggers them, I can get a grip on them sans meds or therapy. So many people keep saying there’s no such thing as imbalanced chemicals and it’s all behavioral…If so, why can’t I fix it myself? Or is this the distorted mental state of bipolar in which a good mood = cured. Been there, done that, over and over.

I am very tired of being confused.

I am very tired of not knowing what made me so angry last night or at any time. I understood during pregnancy when the hormones were surging uncontrollably. This, it makes no sense. There has to be something causing it. If not imbalanced brain chemicals, then what? This is not normal. And while I am insecure enough that doubt can seep in, in my gut I know this isn’t simply behavioral. I have a disorder, I have always had a disorder. Back then it was called teenage syndrome. Then it was being moody. Then it was simply being a bitch. To have found a doctor who could put a name to it was a wonderful thing. Bipolar disorder. Though the way it wreaks havoc on every aspect of my life, I think of it more as  a disease. Chronic disease.

But predictably, my mood did bounce back from near rage proportion anger and today I am…calm.

I don’t think anyone outside of fellow bipolars gets just how great a toll the ups and downs take on one’s mind and body. It is draining, demoralizing, confusing, disruptive, and basically, miserable no matter how rah-rah-rah cheerleader pom poms megaphone your attitude is. Scumbag brain is…well, a scumbag.

I see the shrink Wednesday. I am telling her about the mood swings. They weren’t happening prior to the Cymbalta and I am wondering if maybe it’s standard issue anti depressant making bipolar worse instead of better. It’s a fine line when you have bipolar two and hover between hypomania and depression. Most docs don’t like to give anti depressants to bipolar patients because it can incite manic episodes. But I don’t want to go back to being depressed. I don’t want to face a whole new series of side effects by changing meds.

It should not have to be a trade off like this.

But then again, no one should have to have a mental disorder. Proof that God, or Mother Nature, or evolution, or whatever theory you subscribe to, does indeed make mistakes. Not everything is sunshine and puppies and rainbows.

For today, for this block of time, anyway, I am mellow and calm and the storm seems to have subsided. I’m just gonna go with it. I don’t have much choice except to get the shovel out of my shed and start bashing in skulls as stress relief. And honestly, I don’t relish the idea of going to prison or getting messy.

I’m too much of a wuss to be a serial killer.

Maybe I can aspire to black widow and just kill husbands. End of on ID Channel’s show about deadly women.

Gotta have a goal, right? 😉


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