The sleep deficit grows

R assigned me a rather risky endeavor today to do for one of his friends’ computers. I have tried to tell him that it risks destroying the entire hard drive but he is insistent. He wants me to do this software shit but he overrides all my input. Very nerve racking.

Which is why I slept like shit last night. I was awake literally every 2 hours. Over and over and over, to the point I wanted to claw my own eyes out. I have a lot of nights where I wake up, but it’s been awhile since it was that bad. And I know it’s anxiety and a little bit of anger. It’s like handing a kid a pencil and telling them to write their own name, they have to do it for themselves…Then taking the pen away and doing it yourself. Why am I even making an effort? It’s pointless. Every day I become more bitter because this software bit is not what I want to do. I find it utterly boring. I know what I know because I spent 13 years learning on my own, without anyone prodding me and telling me what to do. Now instead of a learning experience it’s become one more soul sucking “i have no choice” task like housework.

But of course, the brakes are failing on my car and I need the brownie points for car repairs so I will make like a nice little minion and if he destroys the fucking thing, so be it. I will do an “I told you so” dance. Though if I can hem and haw and stall, I’d like to try to find a better solution than software crossbreeding. Too many little variables to put all the eggs in one basket. Or maybe he’s right and I’m wrong. I don’t like to take chances because it makes my panic skyrocket. I still stand by my assessment that what he wants to do is far riskier than beneficial.

So…No decent rest. Anxiety eating my nerve endings alive. On the plus side, my mood seems to be on up side of level, but I did just take my meds so it could be that temporary lift, things could go to absolute “die in a fire” shit soon. It’s never a given and I don’t view it that way, but I am wary as it has happened so many times.

I  hadn’t been through the door four minutes last night, was going pee and trying to change clothes, when that little neighbor girl was at the door. I am getting really sick of that. I told Spook no company, period, and it was a brief tantrum but I had shit to do. The air conditioner is going in soon, this place is a sauna, and I have to have the outlet looked at and I wanted to rearrange the furniture for summer since I didn’t get a chance to do it all weekend. It’s a shame parents have so little supervision on their kids that this child is basically allowed to stock us seven days a week at all hours.

But I am finding my backbone and I think it’s time to lay down some ground rules. Like, NO company before 5:30 pm during the week, period. Like no company before 2pm on weekends, because a month now I have had to put my plans on hold or listen to a tantrum because my kid wants to play with someone who knocks on the door before 10am. Sunshine spewer is right. I have to lay down rules and stick to them. I don’t know why this proves so hard with my child. Maybe because I want to make her happy and not screw this mom thing up. Everyone else I simply don’t care about displeasing.

True, I don’t want to disappoint them, but that is more me atoning for my past of fuck ups than me wanting to make them happy.

The whole R situation is heading for a blow up at some point. It will be ugly and he will play the injured party but once I crack, there is no turning back. Which is why I beg people not to make me feel like an animal backed into a corner. The outcome is never good and it burns bridges. At this point, I am just “so be it.”

Honestly, what kind of future do I have at that shop if I get all this training and he’s just gonna second guess and override my decisions?Not to mention if he should keel over, the shop goes to his kids and aside from the youngest, those older two want me gone. They’re too polite to admit it, but they have dropped so many hints it’s like an anvil on the head. R sees and hears what he wants to because his kids can do no wrong for if they did it would reflect badly on him as a parent.

I doubt I will ever be that way with my kid. I know she is a demon spawn, she comes by it naturally. My calling a spade a spade mentality has not changed since reproducing. No one gets absolved with me. Personality flaw? Perhaps. But so much rejection based on a condition I can’t control has helped me become this not so good person and I am not inclined to go back. Least now I see the knives coming instead of being surprised when they land in my back.

Wow…this was supposed to be a short post.

Way I see it though is no one edits their diary and that is what a blog is, a diary. Sometimes you let other people read it in hopes of support and input.

Okay, I must shower.

I don’t want to, but I must.

And it’s these moments when I want to revert to being a three year old and stomping and screaming “I don’t wanna, you can’t make me!”

My inner child is a mean little bastard.

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3 Responses to “The sleep deficit grows”

  1. I love talking smack about my inner child. Like, my inner child needs your inner child to make me a grilled cheese RIGHT NOW or my inner child will kick your inner child’s ASS!

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