Crazy sane?

Is it possible to be both crazy and sane at the same time?

Because part of me feels sane but a huge part of me feels like I am slipping away into the abyss of the mental darkness and the pulling-out-hair-in-clumps anxiety.

Truth be told, the part of me who thinks I am sane is more a byproduct of what others want me to be. Even my dad jumped on the pressure cooker wagon this weekend about me getting that certification.

What none of them seem to realize is that’s their dream for me, it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Yes, I want to do better for my kid and myself. But I wanted to take community college courses, get into computer graphics, something where my creativity could be put to use. Somehow what I want always gets washed away by what others want for me. Usually resulting in a complete mental meltdown, and nothing every happens, they don’t get what they want, and I dig my heels in because I am too busy trying to survive mental illness to have the energy or presence of mind to “rise above it”. I need breathing room. I need to work at my own pace. I need to do it for me, not everyone else.

Right now, I am walking a fine line, questioning my sanity on an hourly basis. Because some of my responses to outside stressors seem off. I should be stressed, but I should not be viewing everyone as a threat to my sanity. Yet I do. I am getting agoraphobic again. Opening the door means letting people near me and thus far, trying to press my limitations and step outside my comfort zone is what is helping me come undone. I really need to lower my standards, no one is perfect, least of all me. But rudeness is something I have never been able to live with.These kids who want to play with my kid are rude. Well, the girl is, the boy is okay. Of course, that could just be my bias. I was stabbed in the back so many times by women that I learned to gravitate toward male friends. Men are pigs in physical relationships, but they make decent friends. And maybe I am being unfair to Sam.

I just don’t know anymore.

I know between all the kid noise and the noise in my head from the influx of emotions, moods, and anxieties, I am sliding. And while I feel I can confide in my counselor, I don’t feel I can tell the shrink the truth. She really seems to be getting fed up with me. How do I explain it? In a way that won’t get me locked up in a looney bin?

I think what has to be done is I have to find a way to overrule the panic that is keeping  me in this submissive insecure state and remember that I am an assertive person, always have been, even to my own detriment. I need to make rules and stand by them. I need to do what is best for myself as well as my kid and to hell with these other people who don’t even care enough to ask me what I want. They just tell me what they want me to do.

I think I may take a mental health day from  the shop. I am just in a pissy mental space and he doesn’t like me in these moods. I don’t like anyone in these moods. I wish I could just “get over it.” And I will likely cycle out of it later on but right now, it clings to me like the stench of a decaying corpse.

So…crazy or sane or both?

Anyone want to give an objective opinion?

Because I am all out of my own.

One Response to “Crazy sane?”

  1. You sound sane to me. Sane and self-reflective. Don’t let other people bypass your dreams. I’m just learning to dream again. For a long time, when I was really sick, I didn’t think I had a future. I’m beginning to think we live by our dreams. Good luck!

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