Feeling Unapologetic

I spent most of the week feeling ashamed, embarrassed and sorry for my sudden downshift in mood to a dark depression. People had taken note that I seemed different and better than I was years ago and I strived so hard to please them, to make myself look less flaky in their eyes, more desirable, more socially acceptable.

But in my gut, I know they are in the wrong. If you care about someone, then you take the darkness that comes with the light. You don’t get to pick and choose. Love is acceptance of the beautiful and the ugly. This was reaffirmed by the dedication in the book I am now reading, where the author thanked someone for being able to live with her, stand by her, in spite of her darkness and sadness. It’s how I have always felt. I can handle someone being sad or angry or happy. I can’t live with people being fake and unaware of their own flaws. It may make me a bitch but I REFUSE to accept the “This is how I am, deal with it.”

If we’re going with that party line, then I am sick of the side effects from the meds and I should just say, “This is how I am, deal with it.” But I KNOW that is wrong. I have issues and I need to deal with them, for myself, and for others, as well. Because as much as I accept myself, I know it is not right to drag people down just because I am down. I know it is not right to have blow ups and take a bad mood out on people. Furthermore, I should just give into my personality disorders, 0ne of the worst being, “Tell me to go left, I will go right to spite you.” Rebelling for what you believe in is one thing, but doing it out of spite…That’s stupid.

But everyone around me is just staying the same. They never change. Never become better versions of themselves or stop using their crutches or learn self awareness and face their own hypocrisy. Now that would be fine. Except these are the same people that have always, and still, expect me to change the things about myself that make them uncomfortable. Seriously people? If a diabetic had to give themselves an injection in your presence, you wouldn’t shun them. You might look away but you wouldn’t tell them to “cure yourself already.” But with mental illness, if you can’t cure it, then you must shove it back into the closet under a bunch of stuff and plaster on a fake smiley face and be whatever those around you need you to be for their own comfort.

I’m sure it’s not that way for everyone but it is for me, always has been. Just like living in this hick conservative area and people urging me to “dress normal.” What does that even mean? Just because I like to wear black with boots as opposed to bright colors or flannel with tennis shoes? Frankly, if my appearance makes you uncomfortable, that says more about your need to conform to fit in than anything being wrong with me. I admire and celebrate people who have the guts to make their own statements with their appearance or what music/music/et al they like. I don’t have to agree with it. But it takes more courage to stand out and stand up than to blend in and back down.

So…Believing this as staunchly as I do…

How is being in the presence of others and  having it implied that I am somehow “weak” or “annoying” or “difficult” because of my moods…Makes me shrink back and go back to the “let me please you” merry go round?

Yesterday, I went to the shop, when I got around to it, and I did not make any apologies. Because R has no changed since we were together and he never will and while I can accept him for what he is, it doesn’t make it healthy for me. Because anyone who would stay with a woman who beat is kids for 14 years but dump me after 2 years for being moody…is obviously an idiot. He blames her whole heartedly, but he refuses to take any responsibility. He stayed. He let her beat his kids. If you lack the spine to stand up for what is right and prefer not to rock the societal boat by breaking up a family…That is sort of on you. I understand the desire, the need, God knows I held onto the Donor not because of any true emotion for him but because I had so much emotion for my child. Of course, he didn’t abuse us.

Am I even making sense anymore?

This was another point R has made repeatedly. My lack of focus. Like I don’t care.

Hey, sometimes I do, some days I want everyone to die in a fire. It’s called mood swings, bitches, deal with it. I have to. I have also illuminated for him my slight ADD and that insurance won’t pay for the Focalin I desperately need to fix it…and he doesn’t get it. Still he complains. It’s like talking to a wall. He’s a good guy, but he is riddled with so many personality disorders, he is giving me a run for my money.

And there lies my biggest personality flaw of all.

I have made so many changes, done so much growing, gotten so introspective and tried so hard to fix things and improve things unsavory about myself…My quid pro quo brain kicks in and thinks others should do the same, even if to a smaller degree.

Stupid and laughable I know.

But I recognize it as a flaw and I need to try to do better. It’s just hard to accept others when the acceptance is never returned. When you can’t figure out why they have the right to expect you to change but make no changes of their own. Guess that’s one to discuss with the sunshine spewer next appointment.

Last night, I devoted four hours to letting the kids play. There was not a moment in that time that was about me. And while I thought I would feel resentful…I didn’t. I actually felt pretty good about it. I put my kid to bed and I stayed up til 11:30 watching TV.

Today my mood seems level. Little low but not too much so. My anxiety is off the charts because I have kids here and this girl is climbing on the couch beside me playing with the cats and saying my name every thirty seconds and telling me my typing is too loud. Yeah, this is not irritating at all.

But I am sucking it up.

Just because I am not a people person doesn’t mean my kid is a loner. I can’t keep her isolated just because I prefer to be. That’s what acceptance is. Not expecting others to be anything but what they are, even when letting them be who they are is outside your comfort zone.

I am finally breaking the cycle of my family. I have no expectations of my daughter to be anything but who she is. I have no hopes or dreams for her other than for her to be happy.

Let her figure out what she wants to do, who she wants to be. I may not like the outcome but I am prepared to handle it.

I have been stifled my whole life.

I won’t do it to my kid.

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