I am Loved-by anxiety

Yep. I will never be alone or unloved.

I have my constant companion anxiety. It has never abandoned me. Always there, like a stalker, wreaking havoc on every aspect of my life, making me often pray for death or at least removal of my central nervous system and misfiring brain.

This morning I woke at 5:45.  Only because I’d hit snooze six times. The seasonal affect is usually lifted by now as far as wanting to be awake, so the fact I am still having so much trouble getting up in the morning is a point of concern. Desire to sleep incessantly is a symptom of lingering depression. DOES NOT WANT. Must discuss with shrink. I have an appointment mid month but I honestly don’t remember when. Glad they do the reminder call thing.

I got my monthly curse today, yayyy. No wonder my anxiety and edginess have been so high. Hormones…can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Catch 22 built into the female design. On a related mini rant, every time I see something on Reddit or a t-shirt like “Never trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn’t die” and “I am sick of women using their periods as an excuse to be a bitch.” First, no woman ever asked for a period. They are built in, we did not get a choice, so fuck off. And maybe we don’t die because we are tougher than whiny ass men who have to make such ignorant statements. Second, I don’t need an excuse to be a bitch,because I am a bitch. But when the hormones surge once a month, yes, you get grumpy and teary and anxious. I don’t understand how some men can be so sympathetic of pregnancy “The hormones make her this way” but when it;s an every month deal, well, that is somehow different. Hormonal surges are hormonal surges.

Okay, mini rant done.

I have to do that wifi set up out of town today, which puts Mr Anxiety and Mrs Panic in overdrive. I am so scared of screwing up. It’s a DSL set up and thus far, I have only dealt with cable networks and routers. I am trying to have the mindset of “I am going to go, do what I can, and if it works it does and if it doesn’t it doesn.t”

Insidious panic, much like honey badger, doesn’t care.

The Xanax takes the edge off but it doesn’t cure. None of the meds cure. Oh, which reminds me I saw a post on Reddit yesterday by someone who says they “used to” be bipolar but has been cured. The sheer ignorance, denial , and plain idiocy of people never ceases to boggle my mind. You are never cured. You may decide to quit meds, you may even have long periods of functionality, but you are never cured. It’s not an infection. And if it never emerges again, then you weren’t truly bipolar to be cured of.

My bitchiness is in hyperdrive, but the anxiety is so bad, I am gnashing my teeth, something I never do unless under too much strain. Well, the klonopin had me back to constant gnashing but that was soo last month. Ha ha ha, how funny is it to remember your months by which med failed that time. I’d be depressed about my sad existence, but I hang out with a guy every day who acts like the world is going to end when he has a few bad days of non cooperative electronics. It reminds me of a kid having a pouting fit over something asinine. Life sucks, bad days are often more plentiful than good ones. Cope with it. Oh, wait, he does. It’s called massive quantities of beer. But anyway, I am content, I have no expectations for things to work out right. I guess in that respect, I am more grounded than R. He grew up privileged though. I guess that gives you a bubble to live in and it would suck to be burst. This has always been my norm. I probably couldn’t cope with anything else.

The psychology of the human condition is awe inspiring.

Now…

Xanax time. Then hunt through six baskets of unfolded laundry to find clothes to wear. Then get the spawn to wake up so I can get us out of the house by 8.

My life is color by numbers. Check list of all that must be done. Deviation is bad. I flip out when things are out of the routine. It’s always made me wonder if I have some minor form of autism. I really get freaked out by things like being told I am having pork chops for supper and at the last minute it changes. I guess it’s related to anxiety and personality.

Cripes, if I could figure myself out, I wouldn’t need the damn “professionals”.

Off I go, my friend anxiety in tow. Another day, another mental roller coaster.

Cheesy joke.

“Past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.”

Probably only funny to grammar nazis.

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4 Responses to “I am Loved-by anxiety”

  1. I know how you feel. Anxiety is constantly with us, like a shadow. I actually believe that there is a spectrum for both Autism and one for OCD. Every human is on both of them, some people are down the lesser end and some up the more difficult side where it interferes with day to day life.

    I’m getting really tired of people not listening to me. I’ve had a number of people tell me I am not bipolar, that I have borderline personality disorder. I’m so tired of that. Seriously, why can’t people just take my word for it? I’m the one who lives with it every single fucking day, don’t you think I’d know what I’m experiencing? I’m tired of people not listening. I’ve tried to be clear, but people seem to just shut their ears.

    Unfortunately no one seems to feel my anxiety warrants assistance. I haven’t been given any sedatives for my panic attacks, I was given Valium for planes and the funeral last year. I now horde it, save it for when its vital. I guess my history with painkillers and over using them works against me. But I sort of feel that if the doctors helped me prevent panic attacks when they happen, I wouldn’t need to use painkillers.

    Anyway, my thoughts on anxiety and all the fun that comes with it.

    All my love darling. Will send the newest batch of truffles your way 🙂

    • I don’t know what meds are available there for anxiety but my counselor suggested something called Vistaril as it is non addictive. Maybe you should look for something like that then casually mention it to them. I know they don’t listen but every once in a blue moon, it happens. As for the bipolar issues… I have read your blog, and I honestly believe you are bipolar. That requires mood stabilizers. It took me sixteen years to get a doctor to see that, though. Borderline would respond to the meds you’ve been given. They are not. I feel for you, hun. Vodka jellies and chocolate truffles, my luv 😉 The future of mental health care.

      • Unfortunately it’s not available in Australia and there is no direct equivalent. Vodka jellies and chocolate truffles! We’ll revolutionise mental health care!

      • I just had this thought…They sell these things called “Lazy Cakes” which are brownies with melatonin baked in to relax you. If we could do that with xanax or whatever works for people…Brownies and calm? We could be gazillionaires!

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