The Scariest Words

“I have faith in you.”

To most, this would seem like a good thing.

For me, those are the scariest 5 words ever uttered to me.

Because while someone else may have faith in me, I have had faith in myself-only to fail myself and others around me-time after time after time. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and this is never more so true than when you have bipolar and panic disorders going on simultaneously.

R is sending me out tomorrow for an in home call setting up a wifi network. No big deal, right? I set up my home wifi, I set up wifi at the shop last week, it’s not rocket science.

BUT going to an unfamiliar house to interact with an unfamiliar person and an unfamiliar computer set up…

along with the words “I have faith in you…”

The anxiety is astronomical.

I am trying not to think about it but it’s already 8 pm and I can hear that clock ticking like a damn bomb ready to detonate in my head. Tick, tock, the clock does mock.

What if I can’t figure it out? What if the faith R is putting in me and boasting about is outside my skill set? I have had enough of disappointing people. It’s why I stay in my comfort zone. But you never learn anything if you never venture outside of it. It’s kind of a catch 22. I want to succeed and believe in myself and repay those who have faith in me…

Yet I know myself well, and if for whatever reason, I fail…it is going to cripple me emotionally and mentally, as well as reflect poorly on him and the business, as well as impact our friendship.

It’s almost too much stress for my brain to handle.

My mood managed to stay somewhat amenable to reality today, although the hour spent shoveling snow was not to my liking. I did eventually get out…only to get to my mother’s and have to listen to snarky comments about my sister “was up bright and early and got to work on time.” Difference is, I don’t get paid by the hour. Oh, wait, I don’t get paid at all, and I’d already told R last night it was going to take me awhile to get there and he was cool.

But not my mom, nooo, she always has to get her snarky digs in, as if to point out how my sister is superior to me, when we all know she is not. We are different people, neither is superior, we just are who we are. But because my mom has this notion that because I look like my dad and inherited some of his beliefs, then somehow I am his golden child thus she must act as my sister’s cheerleader and point out my failings.

God, family shit is such a bunch of nutsy kookoo.

Went to pick my kid up…and mom sunk her fangs into me again. Because the sweatshirt I layered on top of my kid’s clothes had way too much lint stick stuck to it. Well, it came out of the dryer, so I thought it was clean, excuse me. I was more concerned with keeping my kid warm than looking pretty. She had nice unlinted clothes under the hoodie. Could I do better? Yes. But today was just an off day and I don’t understand why mom has to go so far out of her way to critique me. She even tossed out, “Well, your sister has cats here but she still makes sure all the hair is off our clothes, you can’t send your kid to school that way!”

The happiest day for me will be when I find a preschool for Spook and get her out of that fucking zoo. Then my mom will see us so rarely she will whine about how I never come around because I think I am too good for them. Because, apparently, nothing I do is good enough for my mother and I am getting to the point where I just don’t give a fuck. The woman either has senile dementia or she truly is fucking evil. And I lean toward dementia because she always had a nasty moody streak but she used to be my favorite parent. The last few years, though, whoa. Totally in need of a damn exorcism.

But my dad did call to warn me prior to picking my kid up, cos my sister had had a bad day and called him saying the car window got busted out and he figured mom would find a way to take it out on me. And she did.

Guess it would have stung worse had I not been girding my loins.

Now…I have to try to shut my brain off in preparation for tomorrow. I am trying to be my own cheerleader and remind myself I can do this, no biggie, but…I gotta be honest, when I am under pressure to perform to someone’s expectations, I almost exclusively fail. If I am doing something with zero pressure…I almost exclusively succeed. Speaks volumes, has no real application in reality. Because life is nothing but jumping through flaming hoops trying to meet the expectations of others.

I used to find life so worthwhile and wanted to milk every minute of consciousness I could to enjoy things to the fullest, I hated to sleep, and embraced insomnia.

Now…It has all become such a drain and a pain…I only look forward to sleep.

That and watching vampire shows. That’s always my biggest problem. I can always find some pop culture reason for tying a knot in the end of my rope and hanging on.




One Response to “The Scariest Words”

  1. Hi! I have so lived this so many times & I really know where you’re coming from! I always hated it when someone said “‘you can be whatever you want to be” or “you can do whatever you want to do” cos I knew i couldnt, so without realising it they were accidentally really making me feel like I wasnt trying hard enough & that there was something really wrong with me that could never be fixed, & so I lived in total despair & terror about myself & about life BUT I LEARNED SOMETHING AMAZING. I learned that they were the deceived ones who were wearing themselves out trying to live up to these unrealistic expectations that everyone put on them & that they put on themselves& tried to put on others in an attempt to make things right. The people who said & did these things were wearing a mask & pretended to themselves & everyone that they knew the answers & had it all together, but when you get to know them they dont, and are just trying to get by & thats not living either… its barely surviving & that sucks! BUT THERES A WAY TO NOT BE FREAKED OUT & NOT BE LIKE THEM EITHER & ITS REAL,COS IT WORKED FOR ME WHO WAS THE WEAKEST, THE MOST TERRIFIED, THE MOST LOST & BROKEN & MOST DESPERATE PERSON! I finally admitted my total weakness & failure & my desperate need to be loved, cared for, accepted, embraced & forgiven, & to my amazement I found its totally available & only able to be found by us who will finally admit that ppl arent supposed to do life alone without having the constant perfect safe love & help of the one & only Perfect Daddy-God who created us & His Son Jesus who knew we were too weak so needed Him to carry al our burdens for us. He is real & not imaginary or a religion & no-one can ever deserve His love, cos He knows all ppl are broken & weak, but some ppl just havent had enough frightening things happen to them to realise it yet, so we’re actually the ones who are facing the truth that we cant do it, & the others are deceived. WE WERE NEVER CREATED TO BE ABLE TO DO LIFE ALONE, thats why the world is such a mess. If they were really doing a good job this world wouldnt be so screwed up, & I pray one day they will stop wearing themselves out & judgIng themselves & others, & just finally just throw themselves into the perfect loving arms of Jesus & ask Him to save them & deliver them from all the lies & oppressive ways of thinking & living that ppl put on us from the time we are born. We were created to be loved cared for perfectly, safely, unconditionally & only God & His Son Jesus can do that. Forget about what some ppl say who think they are christians but who only know some things about Jesus, but the millions of us who have cried out from the depth of our hearts to be saved & forgiven & to really know Him have found Him to personally be there for us & to help us in everything. I was an atheist so I know it sounds crazy, & I hate religion, but Jesus hates what most ppl call religion too & in the bible He rebukes those who are religious leaders who put heavy burdens on others & who judge them. Jesus is merciful & loves to carry us & heal us & strengthen us gently in a way that is kind & freeing & never in a way that oppresses us or makes us feel bad or guilty.! He says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. He also says to “cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you” It seems hard to believe to hearts that are so bruised & broken that we could be so loved & cared for, but just dare to say to God that if anything I am saying to you is true then ask Him to pls show you,& He will gently enable you to see the truth & you will KNOW IT IS TRUE with no fear or confusion & you will know it is true in your heart as His love washes over your soul if you ask Him to save you & set you free! If you mean it from the heart, then He will answer you and your heart & life will immediately change & you will know that your mind is not imagining it cos His love is better than anything you could even begin to imagine. Are you really desperate enough yet to admit we’re all screwed upin this world & its not just you, cos this world is a mess. But when you actually personaly find that God Almighty is your reall Daddy who has been waiting for you to let Him into your life, it will blow your mind & change your life forever!! nothing in this world can compare!! Accept His love & salvation & He will help you & carry you if you let Him in to do so, & you can be really happy & healed even in this screwed up world, & then live forever with Him later in Heaven where everything is the way its supposed to be here, & it would have been like that here if ppl had not decided they knew better & refused Him & His loving,caring & righteous ways. He loves you more than you will ever imagine! Dare to cry out to Him, & when you do, you will know He is real & that He can & will guide & help you for the rest of your life.

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