Archive for March, 2013

The hangover that is surviving one more week of mental illness

Posted in anxiety disorders, biolar disorder with tags , , , on March 30, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

I am sans spawn this morning. My dad showed up at 7 pm last night and asked if they could keep her overnight so she could go on an Easter egg hunt at their church this morning. They’d been talking about it for awhile, so other than the surprise timing, it was fine. It’s been months since I’ve had a break and I always feel guilty when I get one, but she is with her grandparents and she has fun with them, so it’s all good. Though getting a good night’s sleep was weird. It happens almost never.

Another week survived. I feel hungover. Not the kind of hangover that signifies you had a good time prior to it. Life hangover. It was  such a stressful week I didn’t think it would ever end or that the pressure would ever be off of me. Now it is and I am up and functioning but I’m a bit of a zombie going through the motions. It feels hollow. No joy, just functioning.

I have been trying to explain it to the shrink and counselor for awhile now. How my mood may go up for a bit and my functionality is high, but I still don’t feel alive. I still don’t enjoy life. I still can’t see a light at the end of the blackened tunnel (and if I do, it’s probably just an oncoming train.)

I don’t understand why I can’t  bounce back. But something in my chemistry changed after pregnancy (the birth was the easy part) and now I just feel devoid of the warm fuzzy feelings. And that’s not my norm because before at least for a few months of the year after the seasonal affect lifted and I went semi manic, things were wondermous.

I wonder sometimes if my kid doesn’t deserve better than a mom who for all intents and purposes is sleepwalking through life without a touch of joy. I am for the most part content…But happiness continues to elude me. What will that do to her mind? Because my mother was always up and down, more down than up, and it was not a fun life for a kid. I  guess the difference is I am aware of my problems and trying to get help and better myself for my kid. My mom just denied and wallowed.

The counselor once again spewed sunshine about how impressive it is that I am doing so well after switching back to xanax.(I still think the klonopin was having an adverse affect and making me psychotic.) She got to see me on a morning my mood was good. Because shortly after I saw her, it crashed and went into “quiet and broody” and I was antsy to not be around people.

Which of course meant last night my phone was blowing up from R and his wife inviting me and Spook over for drinks and pizza. I uh, developed a hearing problem in which I uh ignored the phone. I appreciate them thinking of us, I really do, and had it not been such a horrid week for me, I might have gone. But I just needed to decompress. I feel guilty now but last night it was like NOOOOO, no more people.

Weird thing is, I don’t mind being with my kid. It’s not that I don’t consider her a person, it’s just different with her. I chose to have her, so whether my mood is amenable to company is not relevant. Others, though, I didn’t choose to bring them into my life therefore it is within my rights to be a hermit and shun contact.

I dunno, I am a hot mess.

Now I need to dig through 6 loads of unfolded laundry for clothes, go get some cat litter, then come back and clean my kid’s room out of toys she no longer plays with. It’s a fucking disaster in there. I am gonna be hauling bags out to the shed for two solid hours. Yay. But I have been itching to do it for weeks now and it was impossible with her here, so I must get on it. I gotta go get cat litter, so the trip into the petri dish cannot be avoided.

Then I am going to vegetate and get my strength reserves up because tomorrow is Easter at my mom’s and who knows how many chunks of my ass she is going to sink her fangs into. I need to steel myself.

Ugh, like yesterday morning, I am beginning to feel a little nauseous. Not sure what that is about. Stress?

Or just a life hangover.

I know the doctor and counselor thinks it’s impressive that I am ambling about in a semi lucid daze accomplishing things but…I want more out of life than being a coherent zombie. Is that really asking too much?

 

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Stress purge

Posted in anxiety disorders, biolar disorder with tags , , , on March 29, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

I went. I struggled. I conquered. I got that dude’s wifi set up and it only took three days. Yay me. I felt pretty good about it  but I told R to never ever do that to me again. ASK first and I will tell you what is within my skill base. Though it was nice when the client said he liked my persistence and R was being my cheerleader. Ok, it was also uncomfortable since I handle put downs better than praise, but that’s a whole other post on how screwed up I am in the head.

Had a panic attack at the convenience store while getting R a pack of smokes. Two girls came in-you know, the skinny well dressed chatty girls- and they said something about pants…and I immediately felt my heart skyrocket in my chest, and looked at my pants, programmed for a long time to think everyone is talking about me and insulting me. (Yeah, bullying is harmless, it leaves no marks on a person’s psyche. My ass!)

My mood was stable.

My nerves were not. The traffic thing has gotten pretty bad. I am so scared of having an accident I am going to have one, I swear. But when my senses get overloaded with too much activity going on simultaneously and my brain can’t process it all adequately…It leads to an anxiety attack from hell. Which is not good while driving.

The shop was pretty busy today. Oddly, the ringing phone bothered me more than the customers coming in. I just don’t like phones, they make me nervous. Though I kept waiting for wifi guy to call and tell me something went wrong…That is how little faith I have in myself and things working out for the best.

Came home. Immediately dumped a pitcher of tea on the kitchen floor. My kid was screeching at me over not being able to find her Dora phone. The cats wanted fed. My phone was ringing. And that'[s when it hit me. THIS is the price I pay for daring to have a decent day and feeling good and hopeful. Karma bites me on the ass.

I dealt.

One problem at a time.

Now…she is asleep, everything other laundry folding is done, and I can breathe. After this week, I am not sure I remember how to breathe.

Tomorrow I see sunshine spewer. I have had two good sessions in a row with her, so I am girding my loins for the inevitable off day when her mood clashes with mine and I walk out feeling shittier and more pissed off than when I went in. Maybe I will be surprised. It’s something to hope for, me being wrong. It’s also not a bad thing to anticipate the worst rather than get kicked in the face with it.

Easter weekend. Ugh. Family thing Sunday. With my mom and my sister’s assortment of friends who invade every family get together so that it’s not family at all. I’d love to skip it. I'[m doing the eggs and basket thing for my kid, but otherwise, I just don’t care. I have few days to destress and having to spend part of one of them with my mom stressing me out kind of pisses me off.

In all honesty…I am not having fits of rage or tears or paranoia (much) now.

My mood seems to be creeping up and staying stable.

There’s room for hope.

Cautious optimism, as my old counselor called it.

I’ll take what I can get after the week from hell.

Hate is a bad thing, but I have a LOT of it right now

Posted in anxiety disorders with tags , , on March 27, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

Yeah, I couldn’t come up with a better title. I went back to do that router set up today, only to find out he bought the thing a year ago and it required a firmware upgrade which the tech I spoke to told me “could fix the problem or destroy the router, it’s a delicate process.” I advise him to either buy a new modem (BELKIN) or find someone more adept with Linksys. (You suck, Linksys, talk about convoluted set up and lack of support!) All that time wasted over Firmware. Over something they  don’t even have adequate support for or otherwise a simple firmware install would not be rocket science that could corrupt the whole router.

He got the Belkin. I went back. I got the wifi up. My netbook connected just fine, desktop was on line.

NOT his laptop.

Fuck you, Vista, you piece of crap. More homework for me and another trip tomorrow all because R had to have faith in me. Fuck him, too.

My mom called as I was going to do the housecall. Which sans Vista would have taken fifteen minutes. Since the guy wanted it fixed NOW (can’t say I blame him) I was over 70 minutes getting my kid, and my mom did not veil her anger. I may not get paid, but damn it, if you need me to leave early, ahead of time is kind of mandatory as I can’t drop everything at that precise moment unless I want to be labeled a flake again, which I am trying NOT to do. Cripes.

The car kept dying on me, no reason why.

Almost got hit by some jackhole yapping on a cell phone.

I didn’t take a xanax before I left this morning and by the time I remembered, I found out I had NONE in my pillcase in my purse.

So I was in total freak out mode.

And while immediate freak out has subsided now that I am home and meds are on board, I am still feeling like a jackass with the iq of pocket lint thanks to R volunteering my services. This makes me look incompetent, when in fact, I am merely ignorant. It’s easy to work with computer systems you are familiar with. Since I don’t (would NEVER) own Vista, and took back my Linksys the same day I bought it due to it being a pain in the ass (my Belkin was set up in 15 minutes), this is unfamiliar territory on all fronts. Because believe it or not, all these little differences in computer settings and OS and router installation and security settings and internet access type- it all makes a huge difference. I have already found three pages of Vista-wifi connectivity problems and I’ve been home 20 minutes. FFS, how can I anticipate this shit and perform properly when I don’t have the information to begin with? Throw in some panic attacks and an impatient client…

Yeah, this worked out well.

Fuck it all.

I am trying to view it as a learning experience and gathering intel, but it has had me feeling like shit for two straight days and I am fed up. I got the damn wifi working, why can’t people deal with their own fucking OS issues? Well, I would have more sympathy if it were anything but Vista. And thus far the two people R has volunteered me to “help” with their pcs…have Vista. It’s like a fuck you from the computer universe. Last time I felt this clusterfucked I was running Windows ME. Migraine Edition.

And what does any of this have to do with mental illness?

The anxiety involved has taken a toll. On my mental state, on my nerves, on my self esteem, on my motivation. I am trying so hard to keep an open positive outlook, to try very hard to get it right, to not hold grudges or let my anxiety cripple me…

But after I get this done, R and I are having a little chat. If he’s just going to continue to do shit like this, then I am out of there. It’s not like I’m losing a paycheck or benefits, or well, anything. It sounds petty, but honestly, if something controls your consciousness to this extent and stresses you out this much, it’s not a healthy thing. Just because someone was a paramedic you don’t ask them to perform brain surgery. Well, just because I can do some computer stuff doesn’t mean I can do it all.

At the end of it all though…

I have my kid. She makes me laugh. Her new thing is “You’re going to jail!” Unless thinking bad things is a crime now, I don’t think so, pumpkin. I hate when the bad thoughts take over. Usually happens when I am on stress overload. It’s hard to find one positive thing when everything currently going on is freaking you out and making you feel (and think) you should just kill yourself because you’re a total failure.

But I’m not a failure as a mom. I suck at discipline (imagine that, I make grown men cry and destroy their psyches!) but I have done pretty well with her. As tough as juggling it all gets, I would not trade her for anything, even if at least once a week I hear “How could you have fallen for all his (her dad’s) lies, are you stupid?”)

Yes, apparently, loving someone makes you stupid.

But to regret him would be to regret Spooky and I simply don’t.

Now…

Time to feed my kid.

And ponder some more about my own complete ineptitude.

 

The big bucket of neurotic fail that is me

Posted in anxiety disorders with tags , , on March 27, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

I failed at getting that wifi set up for that dude.

Big surprise, huh? Self fulfilling prophecy? I don’t think so.

I did everything by the book, but still, the network was up but not connecting. After two and a half hours and the guy and his roommate sitting there watching me and asking me questions and making conversation, I just said I would defer to R.

Who totally threw me under the bus and basically told me to figure it out myself.

Yeah, because that’s going to help with the panic.

I took a double dose of Xanax this morning. I was in decent, if not mind blowing anxiety, spirits. I was determined. I did everything by the book.

And still, I failed and spent the day on the edge of a psychotic nervous breakdown, jumping at every phone call, jumping every time R’s cell rang because I could just envision this guy calling to rail about my ineptitude.

Oddly, R wasn’t all that upset. He is doing the same “sink or swim” thing his father did to him and he did to his daughters. Which with me, is not going to be a successful tactic. He has no clue how much worse he is making it and I told him and I may as well talk to the wall.

I survived the day. Wifi guy did call back. I told him I would do research and come back and figure it out one way or another, even if I have to call fucking Linksys.

My experience has been with Belkins, so maybe I am out of my league here.

Maybe their slave computer is too old or his firmware is out of date.

It gave me a pounding headache that made me wish for decapitation. The panic was damn near crippling. I spent the day at the shop on line, looking for solutions, driving myself insane. Not that R noticed or cared. One of the main reasons I am thankful not to be his wife. The man is oblivious and has been all his life. For all his intelligence, when it comes to people skills beyond the superficial ha ha funny stuff, he is as inept as I am with everything else. Difference between us is, I care and he doesn’t. I want to be better, do better.

At least he wasn’t too mad at me, although if I can’t figure this out and it reflects badly on the business and him, I have a feeling I will feel his wrath. And honestly, it’s his own fault because he didn’t ask me to do this, he TOLD me I was going to do it in spite of me expressing that I am not comfortable with this arrangement. Maybe it’s me shirking responsibility, but I still say it’s mostly his fault for volunteering me when I told him I am not ready to do this shit.

I may never be, because with the panic attacks and an audience, I can’t think straight, let alone be competent. I couldn’t even set up my home wifi with my husband present because being watched makes me completely freak out.

I picked my kid up at my mom’s. She kept kicking me and running off when I tried to put her shoes on her. And I don’t dare correct her with my mom present lest I get my spleen ripped out. I am becoming more and more convinced my mother is just plain evil. She tells me to get my kid under control, but when I try, she rants about how mean I am. Because, yeah, threatening to take away the kid’s TV for the night is absolutely abusive. All children will die without television. The world according to my mother.

Sigh.

Came home to a mess, one of the cats is sick. Probably because I changed their food to fit the needs of the nursing mommy cats.

At least the anxiety and self disgust fueled me, I kicked ass cleaning up, did dishes, swept the floor, ran a load of laundry, and bathed the sick cat. Which was actually easier than bathing my kid. My kid is apparently channeling Satan 90% of the time. I wonder sometimes if I am so inept as a mom that she hates me or if my mom is simply putting a wedge there by having zero rules for her so of course, coming home to me and rules like “no strangling the cat” pisses her off.

Sigh.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I need answers, I have none. I feel like such a big loser, and while one reader suggested I bring Jesus into my heart, with all due respect, He isn’t going to tell me how to set up that router and get myself off the inept person list. With all due respect, because I am grateful for each and every reader, I am not big on religion and do not consider it the least bit helpful. I believe in some sort of higher power, but I also believe in being mentally ill and outside my skill set. There is NOTHING wrong with admitting your limitations. There is EVERYTHING wrong when someone who is an overachiever cannot and will not accept that you have limitations.

No more sighs. I am to the point of primal screams now.

I am so sick of failing, of letting people down, of letting myself down. I am sick of my mother, I am sick of my kid not minding me, I am sick of the medi go round. I am sick of being me.

Even though sometimes, I think me is kind of okay.

Mostly, though, when I have to apply the general societal rules to myself, though…I fall short, and I loathe myself, and it is not a healthy thing. Especially when panic attacks are so bad, you downward spiral into an endless cycle of self hatred. WANTING to “get over it” and actually being able to “get over it” are two very different things.

Kind of like unicorns.

It would be wondermous if they were real.

 

The Scariest Words

Posted in anxiety disorders, biolar disorder with tags , , on March 26, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

“I have faith in you.”

To most, this would seem like a good thing.

For me, those are the scariest 5 words ever uttered to me.

Because while someone else may have faith in me, I have had faith in myself-only to fail myself and others around me-time after time after time. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and this is never more so true than when you have bipolar and panic disorders going on simultaneously.

R is sending me out tomorrow for an in home call setting up a wifi network. No big deal, right? I set up my home wifi, I set up wifi at the shop last week, it’s not rocket science.

BUT going to an unfamiliar house to interact with an unfamiliar person and an unfamiliar computer set up…

along with the words “I have faith in you…”

The anxiety is astronomical.

I am trying not to think about it but it’s already 8 pm and I can hear that clock ticking like a damn bomb ready to detonate in my head. Tick, tock, the clock does mock.

What if I can’t figure it out? What if the faith R is putting in me and boasting about is outside my skill set? I have had enough of disappointing people. It’s why I stay in my comfort zone. But you never learn anything if you never venture outside of it. It’s kind of a catch 22. I want to succeed and believe in myself and repay those who have faith in me…

Yet I know myself well, and if for whatever reason, I fail…it is going to cripple me emotionally and mentally, as well as reflect poorly on him and the business, as well as impact our friendship.

It’s almost too much stress for my brain to handle.

My mood managed to stay somewhat amenable to reality today, although the hour spent shoveling snow was not to my liking. I did eventually get out…only to get to my mother’s and have to listen to snarky comments about my sister “was up bright and early and got to work on time.” Difference is, I don’t get paid by the hour. Oh, wait, I don’t get paid at all, and I’d already told R last night it was going to take me awhile to get there and he was cool.

But not my mom, nooo, she always has to get her snarky digs in, as if to point out how my sister is superior to me, when we all know she is not. We are different people, neither is superior, we just are who we are. But because my mom has this notion that because I look like my dad and inherited some of his beliefs, then somehow I am his golden child thus she must act as my sister’s cheerleader and point out my failings.

God, family shit is such a bunch of nutsy kookoo.

Went to pick my kid up…and mom sunk her fangs into me again. Because the sweatshirt I layered on top of my kid’s clothes had way too much lint stick stuck to it. Well, it came out of the dryer, so I thought it was clean, excuse me. I was more concerned with keeping my kid warm than looking pretty. She had nice unlinted clothes under the hoodie. Could I do better? Yes. But today was just an off day and I don’t understand why mom has to go so far out of her way to critique me. She even tossed out, “Well, your sister has cats here but she still makes sure all the hair is off our clothes, you can’t send your kid to school that way!”

The happiest day for me will be when I find a preschool for Spook and get her out of that fucking zoo. Then my mom will see us so rarely she will whine about how I never come around because I think I am too good for them. Because, apparently, nothing I do is good enough for my mother and I am getting to the point where I just don’t give a fuck. The woman either has senile dementia or she truly is fucking evil. And I lean toward dementia because she always had a nasty moody streak but she used to be my favorite parent. The last few years, though, whoa. Totally in need of a damn exorcism.

But my dad did call to warn me prior to picking my kid up, cos my sister had had a bad day and called him saying the car window got busted out and he figured mom would find a way to take it out on me. And she did.

Guess it would have stung worse had I not been girding my loins.

Now…I have to try to shut my brain off in preparation for tomorrow. I am trying to be my own cheerleader and remind myself I can do this, no biggie, but…I gotta be honest, when I am under pressure to perform to someone’s expectations, I almost exclusively fail. If I am doing something with zero pressure…I almost exclusively succeed. Speaks volumes, has no real application in reality. Because life is nothing but jumping through flaming hoops trying to meet the expectations of others.

I used to find life so worthwhile and wanted to milk every minute of consciousness I could to enjoy things to the fullest, I hated to sleep, and embraced insomnia.

Now…It has all become such a drain and a pain…I only look forward to sleep.

That and watching vampire shows. That’s always my biggest problem. I can always find some pop culture reason for tying a knot in the end of my rope and hanging on.

 

 

Another installment of the panic files-why do I answer the phone?

Posted in anxiety disorders with tags , on March 25, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

So the midwest likes to mix things up weather wise, which is why four days after the start of spring, we just had 7 inches of snow dumped on us. This made for a very humdrum not-going-anywhere day for me. I like those days. I can breathe on those days. It was going swimmingly, I was even going to try to write, which has been blocked for a couple of weeks now. (In my xanax-less state, I couldn’t speak coherently, let alone write.)

Then the phone rang, and it was R, and like a dumb ass I answered and now my calm is gone, my depression is back, and I am totally stressing out.

In spite of a fucking blizzard and everyone being snowed in, I am still expected to drag ass out into this shit tomorrow for his convenience because apparently he’s had a few beers by now and was on some manic coffee beer spiel about all the stuff he wants me to do tomorrow. Including bring in that damn  certification book. The man really is clueless. I’ve barely been back in the stratosphere a week now, and already he’s pushing me more and harder.

And I can’t breathe.

In fact, I don’t want to go at all. Were it not for him basically agreeing to buy my kid’s Easter basket if I help him out, I’d probably be screaming fuck off at the top of my lungs because I am obviously melting down. Again.

I need controlled chaos.

The chaos he brings is anything but controlled. It is anything but manageable.

Now my entire equilibrium is screwed. I don’t care about writing because now I am just panicking and all I want to do is go crawl into bed because of everything that I am going to have to do tomorrow just to get out my door. (There’s an ass ton of snow, I will have to dig my way out my front door which will take an hour) and…

Damn it all to hell, why did I answer the fucking phone and ruin what otherwise would have been a really nice braindead day of watching Being Human and playing with my kid and cats?

I know I shouldn’t let reality affect me this way, but damn it, it does. And I hate it. Not reality, it is what it is,  but my reaction to it. I can deny the anxiety and try to pretend it doesn’t bother me, but it’s always there, like the hum of a fluorescent light. This is why every job I have ever had has not ended well. Because the longer the pressure is placed on me, the more pressure that is piled on me, the more I start to melt down. Which starts a cycle of self loathing for being weak and pathetic which leads to more anxiety…

Fuck.

And things were looking up.

Phones were invented by the devil, and my brain, which told me to answer the phone instinctively, needs to die in a fire.

Do vampire bites suck less than reality bites?

Posted in biolar disorder with tags , , on March 24, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

In continuing with my current ocd theme of supernatural things, I have, at my sister’s suggestion, started watching Being Human. I’m 8 episodes into season one and I like it. It’s less soap operish than The Vampire Diaries (read: less smut and banal drama) and seems like a grown up show. So one is my guilty pleasure, the other is actually viewed because I think it is well written. I’ve never watched the original British version, but it doesn’t shock me that they had a show good enough for the states to want to “copy”. British TV tends to offer slightly more quality than American TV, at times.

And why am I babbling about vampire shows in a mental illness blog?

Because I didn’t have a horrendous mental health day and don’t have much to report. I got all my housework done except folding laundry, my kid didn’t channel Satan, the weather was decent, and I only had one major anxiety episode in traffic and this time, courtesy of the right med, I didn’t have to pull off the road and hyperventilate and regroup. I was nervous, but I dealt.

So I watched Being Human all day and it got me thinking…What if vampires were real? What if I could keep the good parts of my humanity but lose all this mental illness shit by turning into a vampire? I know it’s fiction (no more so than the millions of women who sit and daydream about marrying a handsome millionaire who will treat them well and be faithful) but it’s an interesting pontification. Would you sacrifice some humanity to lose the albatross that is mental illness? To lose the weak traits of yourself that fill you with self loathing?

If I could maintain my love for my kid and cats, drink bagged blood, and contain my violent vamp urges…

But lose the bipolar, depression, seasonal affect, anxiety, and panic disorders…and all I had to do was avoid sunlight, drink blood, and sport wicked fangs…

I would totally become a vampire. To me, it would be no more of a trade off than taking medications for an illness that have the side effect of causing or worsening the illness.

So…that’s my flight of fancy for today. Nothing deep. Nothing tragic.

Just the realization that no matter how much personal change I achieve, no matter how far in life I might rise above my beginnings and current situation…I am never gonna be not bipolar.

And I would sacrifice a great many things just to be rid of that one thing. Because I am sick of how it devours my life. I am sick of the good days that lull me into a false sense of complacency, then the illness dropkicks me into another stratosphere. Sick, sick, sick.Sick of feeling like I should bow down to some mood swing deity every time I have a good mood that lasts for more than two hours.

I don’t think I’d be viewed any lesser as a vampire. I don’t think it’s possible to be viewed lower than most people view anyone with a mental illness.

Of course, it would be my luck to become a BIPOLAR VAMPIRE.

Now there’s a story premise for you.

🙂