Primal scream

Every sound is like a thousand nails on a chalkboard. I want to scream at everyone and everything GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!! I have hives and a knotted stomach and of course, this was the day I went to pick my kid up from my mom’s and instead of a minor fit, she had a full blown tantrum because she didn’t want to stop playing and go home. She warbled, she screamed, she bawled, she kicked, she said, “You’re hurting me!” when I wasn’t even touching her. I try to ignore these tantrums rather than feed into them. Besides which, nothing I do works. And I don’t dare raise my voice or threaten her with no TV in front of my mom lest it start an unholy war.
Then my mom storms in and raises her voice and tells my kid it’s not nice to treat mommy like that and to straighten up. Which worked for all of five seconds. It amazes me that my sister and I cannot discipline our kids without her interfering yet if she wants to scream and lecture, it’s fine. I dread picking my kid up everyday. Between my mother and Spook’s tantrums, it just taps me the fuck out.
The tantrum continued off and on in the car…over…every…tiny…thing. I stopped at a red light. That made her cry. I took a drink of my soda. That made her cry. I mean, I get that she hasn’t napped and she’s tired and cranky but really. They don’t want you to talk on a cell phone while driving but has anyone ever contemplated how stressful and distracting it is to have a screaming kid in the back kicking seats and thrashing around?
I have become convinced my child is the spawn of satan.
This used to be an occasional occurrence, the really bad defiant days.Since being under my mother’s care and influence, Monday through Friday has become a fucking war zone. The only time I am in control (somewhat) of my own kid is on weekends. I have tried time outs, taking things away from her, praising her when she is good, sitting her on my lap and explaining why the behavior is unacceptable…Nothing works.
I am inept as a mother.
How could I possibly be competent when I am falling apart over every tiny sound and want to throttle everything around me that draws breath?
To top it all off, the cable company is apparently having issues or doing upgrades so their customers haven’t had internet in almost six hours. That made doing anything at the shop imfuckingpossible. Which added to my stress, him asking every two minutes if the net was back up and wanting to reset the router ten times. If it’s down, it’s down, dumbass. Fuck.
At least tomorrow will be a short day. My mom needs to run an errand at 1pm so I will go into the shop for a few hours and then be done. So I can do battle with my screaming demon again. How I love her, how she tickles me. She keeps telling me she lost her brain in the snow and has rats in her mouth. We get along pretty well…Until my mother’s interference.
And it could be the paranoid anxiety but I know my mom well and I can just bet she is on a tirade about how I “let” my kid get away with acting like a tyrant and I am not a very good mom and blah blah blah.
Then I got a message from the job lady wanting to confirm that I want to close my case looking for work for right now, like it’s some dire thing. I talked to my counselor, she saw that I am not doing well. What further clarification is needed? Let’s just stress the stressed out lady more.
OMG. The noise will not stop. My kid will not nap. The cats will not stop climbing on me. Normally I love the feeling of being so loved.
Right now…I just want to be unloved, uncrowded, unburdened by a cacophany of sounds that are making my inner ears cringe and my skin crawl. The entire daily dose of Tic-tac-o-pin is doing NOTHING to make it better. I’d settle for a little grogginess to take the edge off and it doesn’t even fucking doing that much.


3 Responses to “Primal scream”

  1. You are NOT inept as a mother.

    My niece and nephew are angels when they’re with my mother. They’re not bad either when they’re with their mother. But the transition… wow. If my mom has them for a longer period of time, she says it takes a full week before they adjust. For that one week, they’re children from hell.

    I get that same feeling after about 30 seconds with any child. Thank God I don’t have any. 😛

    • My mom likes to make catty comments like “Spook doesn’t want to go home with you anymore, are you mean to her?” Because the kid throws fits when she isn’t ready to stop playing. Yet we get home and the child is never more than two feet away from me, so how mean could I be? Moms are evil. I hope to break that cycle.

  2. Timiarah Camburn Says:

    I know exactly how you feel. Hope your day eventually got better.

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