Personal space violation

(Sorry for flood posting today but it’s been a mental hell day.)

If you read my post mentioning the paranoia because the maintenance guys were working next door causing me extreme paranoia and panic…It gets  better.

Because without warning, they knocked on my door this afternoon and announced I had a water leak so they needed to come inside.

Suffice it to say, I am NOT okay having my safe zone invaded. And if it must be violated, I’d like some notice. (My old shrink had actually sent my old landlord a letter telling him he needed to give me 24 hours notice before popping in or it exacerbated my mental condition. Which it does.) And while the maintenance guy was perfectly nice today, I just kept wondering…is the place clean enough? Does it smell funny? Is there something that could be construed as unfit for a kid to live here? Is he gonna go tell the landlord I live in squalor because there were five unwashed dishes in the sink?

The work too almost two hours, with him coming in and out. I was a nervous wreck the whole time, pasting on the happy calm face, when my insides were rioting. My nervous stomach has not let up all day.

No sooner than that was over…my dad popped in unannounced.

More space violation.

How many assaults to my psyche can I handle in one day?

I’m just livid, I don’t even feel like going to bed, I can’t focus on watching anything, my brain is too rattled to contemplate writing or reading and meanwhile, my stomach is churning and causing all sorts of havoc.

I’ve taken all three of my klonopin and it’s not helped an iota.

I keep trying to tell myself it’s psychological, because ya know, that’s what the shrink will say since xanax and klonopin are the exact same thing. (BULLSHIT.)

Oh and it gets better because the ONE thing that didnt break when my kid kicked the shelf over, my beloved ornate dragon picture frame…the cat just knocked off the shelf and smashed into bits.

I loved that thing so much.

Days like this make me want to throttle anyone who dares to call me pessimistic. When this level of negativity and bad luck is your norm…what the fuck is there to be positive about?

I’m too sad to even cry.

So…I’m just gonna sit and stare off into space and chain smoke.

Tomorrow has to be better. It cannot possibly suck worse than this day has.

That’s optimism, right?

Eh, fuck it.


One Response to “Personal space violation”

  1. I totally relate with you..

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