Pressure cooked

The stress has started to take a toll and I am coming apart bit by bit. People are starting to notice. I have been acting strangely. Apathetic, distant, aloof, disinterested. My mind is elsewhere. Of course, no one has a clue it’s just the standard issue meltdown that accompanies any long stretch functionality in my bipolar trek.  They don’t WANT to know. I am so sick of self absorbed people and their denial. Their way of deflecting any unpleasant talk by either ignoring what you say or pointing out who has it even worse. Often when you’ve said nothing at all about how you are feeling, as if they sense you’re down and just want to kick you in the head while you’re at foot level.

Hell, the other day my mom looked at me and said, “I know it’s hard on you raising Spook alone but think of your sister’s friend, she has THREE she’s raising alone and her boyfriend just beat her up and kicked them all out!”

Did I miss the memo on misery being a contest?

The  biggest thing right now is R. I don’t want to be at the shop anymore. He has nothing for me to do, and I am not sitting there forty hours a week, freezing my ass off, just to surf the internet and keep him from having to face what a pathetic husk his existence really is. Does that sound bitter? Because it’s not meant to be, it’s how I see it. He drinks 7 nights a week and would rather have the company of his ex gf than his wife who supposedly makes him so happy. He bitches that he is broke when she makes three times what he does but pays less than an 8 th of their bills. He worries incessantly about going out of business and blames his drinking on that.He can’t be alone for five minutes without thinking he is gonna die. I find it asinine and pathetic.

And it’s getting harder to not just say so.

He called both my phones last night. In a stroke of passive aggressive genius I answered neither. He left me a text saying he needed me. Blah blah blah. His “need” is starting to crush me. What he needs me to do at the shop for the entire week could be done in a single 45 minute stretch. He needs someone there to keep him company and while that might have been flattering at first, it’s annoying now. I have better things to do, even if it’s sitting at home cleaning out a closet. I cannot stand people who can’t be alone. If you’re that uncomfortable with your own company that you absolutely must have someone near you at all times, then you have more psychological issues than I ever could.

I just feel so fucking pissed off and stressed out, like if I don’t get a break from him, from his crap, from his expectations, I am going to go ballistic. Seriously, why won’t he hear me when I say over and over, “There’s no need for me to be there unless you have something for me to do the entire day.” Why does he just blow me off? And why am I, quite possibly the posterchild for self assertiveness, letting myself be emotionally manipulated by him?

Maybe because I lack the social skills to assert myself in a way that does not burn bridges. I usually let it build up and build up and then…it’s open mouth, insert both feet, and socks time.

See, this would have been something useful for that useless counselor to have worked on with me, trying to figure out healthy ways to assert myself in such situations.

One more part of the whole mental illness cycle. I have often had good shrinks but lousy counselors, lousy shrinks but good counselors, so rarely both at the same time. Kind of hard to truly get better in a constant state like that.

I want soo badly to ask for another therapist.

But there are only 2 others and I’d still have to see sunshine spewer in the hallways, aiming her angry cow stares at me instead of others. I get this gut feeling she’s very mean and very petty. (What kind of therapist laughs at a client when they’re admitting an honest feeling?)

It’s all a bucket of suck and I seem to be getting  crushed under it all.





3 Responses to “Pressure cooked”

  1. I know how very very lucky I have been to have had a good counsellor and now a good psychologist. I wish I could send them to you. Or, you know, just hook your house up to our truck and bring it here. We’ve got a big yard. 🙂

  2. I LOVE the “did I miss the memo” line!! Please may I use it?? The ultimate smartass response. You are awesome sauce, even in your down state luv.

    • LOL, thanks. By all means, use away. It’s funny ‘cos when I say that to my redneck family, they have no idea what a memo is. (I kid you not.) Glad someone got it and thinks it’s funny.

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