Feeling alien

Today was just a strange day for me mentally. I could not get the mental fog to clear and every single thing I did felt like a battled trudged uphill except the only thing I was fighting was my own mind. Paranoia and panic ran rampant. I could not focus, could not remember things ten seconds after told, did not want to make calls or answer phones because the panic attacks were running riot.

I still feel off kilter to the nth degree.

The added bonus is the ongoing random as fuck brain zaps from coming off Cymbalta.

Now that I am sans anything but Lamicatal and xanax…my brain is having a field day being a freak. I can’t reason with the distorted thoughts. It is telling me I am scared and thus panic kicks in, and I have no fucking clue what is going on. It’s like my brain has been injected with Novacaine, only instead of feeling good numb, I am stumbling clumsy numb, bumping into things, tripping over stuff, and struggling to find the right words to string into sentences that sound vaguely coherent.

After a couple of decent days…

This baffles me.

Throw in the depression which is telling me I serve no purpose and should just kill myself because it’s never going to get any better than this…And my sheer exhaustion and self disgust over so many fucking medications in the past 15 months that did not fucking work or gave me nightmare side effects…

This is not even my normal state of dysfunction, this is something new, something else, something much much worse than the usual.

I feel alien, even to myself.

And it is disconcerting beyond mere words.


One Response to “Feeling alien”

  1. The soup of mental illness, side effects, and withdrawal is a nasty one. Any one thing would be crap on it’s own but all of them together is a colossal shit storm. It sucks. Hugs.

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