Yet another ride on the medi-go-round

The first half of the day was good because I was semi manic and soaring high.

After my shrink appointment, everything went to hell in a handbasket. My mood crashed, my anxiety soared, and my paranoia kicked in. It sucked. And the day passed sooooooo slowly. Every tiny thing R asked me to do seemed like climbing up a hill coated in molasses. My body was there, but even it didn’t feel particularly well. Mind and body both wanting to flee the scene=utter misery.

I don’t get the abrupt mood swing.

Nothing too traumatic happened at the shrink’s. I mean, I was honest about the Cymbalta side effects, and she told me hypomania was not acceptable so we are weaning off and discontinuing it.

I will give her kudos for actually listening to-and going along-with my idea for dual mood stabilizer therapy. I have NEVER had good luck with anti depressants, but when I was on dual mood stabilizers, I got two years of stability. It doesn’t sound like much, but in my world of never ending instability, two years is SOMETHING.

Now we are going to try Tompamax combined with the Lamictal. It could be, of course, side effect city.

It could also help boost my mood, help me focus, control my weight, and aid in keeping the extreme highs and lows at bay.

I am willing to toss the dice. Fuck, I have tried everything else. All the wonder drug anti depressants that are so successful with average people that completely fail me…Making me feel like even more of a freak.

I can’t decide if I will take my first dose tonight or tomorrow night. And after the Effexor debacle, I am NOT looking forward to more withdrawl from another anti-depressant.

Blah.

I remember being at the pharmacy again today, convinced if I didn’t get home soon I would be in a car wreck or things were swimming and I felt dizzy and I was losing my mind. (19 hours without Xanax, it happens, but the sad thing is, without Xanax, it’s my constant frame of mind which leads to a very very miserable existence.) I almost got hit three times today by others. (IT’S A CAR, NOT A PHONE BOOTH, PUT DOWN THE FUCKING CELL PHONE!) I did get dizzy and things seemed to be swimmy. Twas weird and scary. Though I am convinced it was lack of Xanax, and after one measly 0.5 mg pill, it all went away and I came back to my right mind. The idea that the shrink is going to yank that particular rug out from under me based on her own personal bias against people who abuse the medication…leaves me hostile.

Oh, where was I going? RIGHT. I was at the pharmacy and everyone can hear everything and of course, they ask “Do you need this Trazadone filled?”

And of course, Trazadone is an anti depressant that failed and is now used primarly for low grade depression or sleep, and everyone overheard it…and as rebellious and “fuck you” as I am…I felt embarrassed. And disgusted. Why the fuck can’t I just find a med or two that will actually fucking work? I am so sick of pills, pills, pills. I still remember Osteoshrink telling me the anti depressants kept failing because I didn’;t want them to work.

He was so full of shit. Such a fucking dick, he’s the reason I went off my meds, because he wouldn’t change the Zoloft that was making me suicidal. Idiot.

I am soooo sick of this, sick of it all. Sick of never feeling quite right. Sick of being paranoid and off my nut. Sick of every tiny thing making me a nervous wreck.

I keep trying, for my daughter’s sake, even though I have pretty much given up on ever feeling like myself again. The pregnancy process changed me, I don’t know if it’s mental or hormonal or psychosomatic but I have never been the same. Labor and birth were the easy parts. The nine months prior that altered all that I had ever known about my disorders and distorted thought…That I have never recovered from. Everything is different now, and not in that same old same old “Of course, it’s different, you have a kid now.” That isn’t it at all. That changed my priorities and gave me more strength to be more stable…But where I was mentally, with my disorders 5 years ago, is so far away from where I am now…It almost seems like some dream I made up, a dream where I felt normal and human and had zest for life and looked forward to the future.

I try to convince my brain to feel the same way, I have a kid, everything to live for, nothing is that bad, some people have it worse…

But the bad wiring keeps sending messages to the contrary and I am too weak,or too mentally damaged, to combat them.

Tomorrow is a different day, another mood swing.

It does not look good, though. I see the sunshine spewing counselor tomorrow, which never makes me feel better.

Even if it is not a good day, please sacred cow make it suck less than today did, at least in my own mind.

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