Mommycide

My kid has been…I want to say horrendous, but I suppose she is a normal kid and I am the one who is just too mentally damaged, too impatient, too high strung, too…

I want to commit mommycide. (Which isn’;t like murder or suicide, it’s like crawling into a closet and putting my hands over my ears and pretending I have no idea who this mommy person is.)

Obviously I am not strong enough to handle being a mom. I am irritable, irate, snappish, and so stressed out and anxiety ridden, I just want to run screaming from home and go live in a bloody rubber room.

For 11 hours it has been non stop chatter, non stop being poked with a metaphoric stick, non stop whining and demands and no matter how firmly I tell her to go to her room, she won’t listen. I am as significant to her as a candy wrapper which she just throws on the floor even though she knows to put it in the trash.

She doesn’t care.

What 3 year old does?

I don’t even know what is normal toddler behavior anymore.

I just know my entire mental state is like being assaulted by nails on a chalkboard and every sound out of her causes me physical pain and drives my stress level over the top.

I am trying to be patient.

I told my counselor I sometimes give myself a time out and put my kid in her room.

She told me it should be for no more than ten minutes and by doing it for an hour, I am in the wrong.

Frankly, I hate my counselor and think she is the worst therapy in history.

I figure if I have had to put my kid in her room for ten minutes enough time that it adds up to an hour…she deserves it.

I make sure she is changed, fed, and comfortable. I check on her periodically.

But in order to avoid mommycide, I almost have to give one of us a time out.

I am sure soooo many people are gonna have an opinion and tell me I wrong and blah blah blah.

SPARE ME.

Yesterday was a beautiful day for mom and daughter, we had fun and connected and my mood, while low, and my anxiety, while high, were manageable.

Today not so much, because she has been demanding and antagonistic from the word go and I feel out of sorts.

This too, shall pass.

Until it does…

I am on the edge of mommycide.

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7 Responses to “Mommycide”

  1. I’m sorry to hear your stress is always riding such a high and dangerous wire. Is there no other help for you?

    • I just have some bad days and my kid has this uncanny knack of knowing when I am at my worst and she just brings out the antagonistic needy brat on cue. She just gave me a hug and a kiss, though, and that makes all the stress worthwhile. I just wish my coping skills were better. Though that seems highly unlikely since Xanax is all that keeps me glued together as far as anxiety and panic go and my shrink is about to start weaning me off. The only consolation is knowing if I can just survive this night…things will likely shift tomorrow.

  2. This too shall pass….

    I feel for you.

    • That’s the one good thing about cyclothymia. If I can just ride out the bad anxiety times, another mood shift is always around the corner and everything is altered. But wow…It’s a bumpy ride. Thanks for the support. 🙂

      • I know the bumpy ride well…I’m there with you. Sending you a hug from afar.. 😉

      • Oh, and my sister was just telling me a story yesterday about how she lost it with her daughter (age 7) after a weekend of Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Nonstop. She lost it and said “Don’t say MOMMY again unless it’s to say “Mommy I love you!” and then she felt so guilty, so I sent her your post, so she can see she’s not the only one, you’re both so normal. Just exhausted. 🙂

  3. Being a parent is hard. Being 3 is hard. Being alive is hard. Everything in life, in my opinion, is hard. My opinion is that disciple of a child takes many forms. The only form I object to is abuse. Hitting a child is abuse. Smacking is abuse. Emotional and verbal, abuse.

    You my dear, are not abusive nor neglectful. Your child is loved. Which is much more than we can say for many other children. I can’t comment, not being a mother (unless you count my dog which I don’t think you would and neither would I), but I know what it is like to be a child of neglect, and abuse. And I know what it is to be a child of love. Your kid is testing you now, and in the future. Making a child is easy, raising a child is hard.

    You make your way through as best you can. And you’re taking care of yourself and your child (as best you can, which is all anyone can ask) which is a feat many people could not count as their own.

    I am in awe of you and your strength.
    Much love and truffles.

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