Up,and down and all around

Yesterday,I was manic. The common question is “what are you on?”

Manic episodes are a bit like being drugged up. Only all natural.

My concentration and focus were LESS THAN ZERO. I was just…off into the stratosphere, talking rapidly, about nothing, finding myself irritating. Can only imagine how I must have grated uponst R’d nerves.

Then when I got home, I became jumpy and paranoid and realized..I hadn’t had a xanax in 19 hours. Not a good idea but proof that I do not abuse the stuff. I take it when I need it. I needed it because I started thinking the mailman was going to be bringing me bad news. Like it’s his fault for the mail I get.

I’m mental.

Now today…I am peeling the cobwebs off my brain, a little down, but I took my meds so I should be lifting off soon.

I still don’t want to take a shower. It’s such a hassle. I hate showering when it’s cold. I need one, though. My grooming has been rather lax this week. One look at my gray roots proves that much. Really need to use the dye I have. Just lazy and unmotivated.

That’s one of the most frustrating things about bipolar. When you’re up, you are flying high.

When you come down, you are lower than low.

Up,down, and all around. Especially with cyclothymia. My episodes don’t last for days or weeks. This is a daily thing.

I don’t know if the Cymbalta is canceling out the Lamicatal or what,I should not be rapid cycling like this.

Have to address it with the shrink. I have an appointment here soon. I am bad at dates, though, will have wait for the reminder call the day before.

Blah.  I still need that shower.

I still am not moving.

My 3 year old just said “You’re a bitch.”

I don’t use that word a lot. If she copied me, it would likely be “fuck.” I own that one, I say it a lot. I am a bad mom.

I think she’s learning most of this at my mom’s house. My mom is probably telling her what a bitch I am. Yes, my mom thinks I am a bitch and says so. Feeling is mutual.

Onto the next mood shift.

Rinse, lather, repeat.


3 Responses to “Up,and down and all around”

  1. That’s an awful insult to be called a bad mom. Are you (or the depression) unfairly beating yourself up?
    Sorry to hear about the poisonous support your mother is giving.

  2. Reblogged this on Battling Through… and commented:
    Never forget ur meds … I struggle with this retrospecive relaisation often. Hard ti keep up all the time, everyday- especially when the meds are working and you feel good!

    • I almost never forget the Lamictal. But since the shrink is about to take my beloved xanax away, I have started weaning my dosage down to make it less traumatic. Of course, this is my wonderdrug so without it over extended periods of time, I get a little nuts. She thinks I need an anti psychotic but I have tried them and they just make me fat and sleepy. Really hate the way doctors bring their own bias to the table. If it ain’t broke, why fix it? But she disapproves of Xanax so her bias trumps my well being.

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