The Panic Files #2: when email attacks

Or more appropriately, when e-mail CAUSES a panic attack.

The level of my dysfunction knows no bounds…

I get a daily e-mail from a job site that send me postings in the area I am qualified for.

I clicked to check one out…And of course, I am not qualified, but I suppose they have to send me something. I got to clicking on other links, giving tips on interviews, wardrobe, doing call backs, resumes, gaps in work history, blah blah blah.

AND OFF TO THE RACES WE GO.

My heart is still pounding 50mpm (fifty miles per minute). I am shaky and my head is spinning.I can barely steady my hands to type and have to keep hitting the back button. (And it doesn’t help that my kid is in my face chattering and the cats are making like flying squirrels through the living room and two of the girls are in heat because I am too broke to fix them so the noise is MAKING ME WANT TO FIND A NOOSE AND CLIMB INTO IT.)

Grrrrr.

Oh, I am also breaking out in  hives.

Yeah, I am totally ready to go to work, I have all my ducks in a row, I am calm, cool, collected. NOT.

I get it, I am an undesirable candidate due to my past.

But everyone from the shrink to the counselor thinks I am ready and it would be beneficial for me to go back to work now. Been trying for a year,, got two chances and two rejections.

And just READING about all the expectations has me freaking out because most days, if I make it out the door and my kid and I are wearing pants, I am doing well.

I cannot help that I have disorders. I cannot help that a bad med reaction fried my brain ten years ago and now I am like some absent minded adhd bunny. I am trying to “rise above it all.”

But I wonder if I am really truly ready.

I still cannot process stress properly because the panic disorder is still running rampant. (Thank you, el shrinko, for prescribing a medication for the panic disorder that helped with my depression but totally nullified and my Xanax and set the panic attacks off, yayy for pharmaceutical science.)

I try very hard.

I can’t help but wonder if I simply haven’t been allowed to stabilize long term enough-ya know, a year or two on a working med regime, rather than 14 months of med changes and side effects and failures.) I have so much pressure on me, inwardly and outwardly, and it seems no one really cares about my mental state, just what they think I should be and what they think would be best for me.

One day, I’d like to get a say in what is in my own best interest.

Even if I just need more time to try to get my shit together. It may not seem important to most people. I mean, I am upright and ambulatory, so I must be all better, right?

But if a simple e-mail can send me into the rabbit hole…

I’m not “there” yes. I am not cured, I am not even stabilized enough, and I am not ready.

I just have this loud voice in my head telling my disability money could go away at any time and I need to cover my ass, I can’t be put into a position where I can’t take care of my kid.

Then I have everyone else telling to suck it up and get off my ass.

And the mental health professionals who just don’t get it.

Is it really any wonder I feel like I am smothering most of the time?

Life is tough, but sometimes, it’s just impossible when you’re in a perpetual state of confusion and catch 22s.

Used to be, only my postal mail made me panic.

Now even my electronic mail is triggering me.

If this is everyone’s idea of recovery, I think they’re the ones who need psych help.

 

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