Mood swings- The weirdness of the human mind

All those hours spent obsessing over my mother’s bullshit…

Then at some point today, my brain just went elsewhere and it was gone and most of my anger and irritation went with it.

Why?

MOOD SHIFT.

I am baffled by the human mind, especially my own.

How can I go from mood to mood with barely a transition at times, and sometimes rather than rapid fire shift, it’s just a gradual thing.

I even called mom to wish her a merry christmas. Ten hours ago, I vowed to absolutely have no contact with her today even if it meant war with her later about how rude I am. I was so hurt and pissed off and in that mental state, I was perfectly serious about not contacting her.

And then hours later…mood shift…different mind set.

I suppose this would make me mercurial, although I really don’t believe it is simple personality dysfunction.

My moods are like vice grips, they don’t let up until the shift is ready to happen and no amount of self pep talks or bullying or rationalization sways my mind during the various moods.

I had to do that personality assessment for the job ap the other day…and three times in different wording it asked the same question. Basically, do you stay in the same mood all day or do you have various mood swings.

How does one with my condition  answer that? They don’t want the truth, it’s an instant disqualifier, even if they say otherwise. They want mindless vapidly happy worker drones, not someone who needs a ten minute break during lunch rush to go cry because their mood took a nosedive.

How can I not be moody?

I have a MOOD DISORDER.

I do my best not to let it show and not to act on it, but occasionally the facade slips. I take all the meds, I do what I am supposed to…But this is my reality, day in, day out.

And it becomes clearer every day my reality simply does not fit this cookie cutter world, where if you don’t fit the mold, you don;t stand a chance.

Today proved the point.

I went from happy to pissed off to hurt to depressed to mellow to neutral to snappish and pissed off again, and now I am back in mellow land. All in a 13 hour span. ON FULL MEDICATION.

If they can build accessibilty ramps for people in wheelchairs, then why can’t they make allowances for people who just might need to go cry or smash things mid shift?

yeah, I am random and without segue. My brain is fucked.

It asked about memory. My brain is so fried on med side effects…I don’t remember things ten seconds after being told if it relates to numbers or such. My brain is teflon, things dont; stick to the surface.

It seems that every part of me is simply unemployable.

15 months looking for a job.

med after med trying to stabilize.

And what it boils down to…

Is that with mood swings, I will never be the corporate drone required for employment.

Constantly daily reminder that no matter how hard I try, I am screwed from the get go. I won’t give up, I can’t but unless some understanding brave manager is willing to roll the dice on me (and I can’t say I’m  a safe bet at all times)….

Okay, rant done, but that’s been weighing on my mind for some time now.

Holiday survived.

Mood roller coaster ride 12 billion survived.

Time for blissful nothingness called sleep.

Oh, wait, I have sleep disturbance so even that is not a sanctuary.

And my doctor says I am on too  many pills and takes my sleeping pill away then tells me if I am not sleeping, I need to take a pill, go buy melatonin.

WHAT THE FUCK.

brain

hurts.

must

tune out

reality

for awhile.

Merry Cryptmas to all, and to all a good fright. Er, night.

 

 

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3 Responses to “Mood swings- The weirdness of the human mind”

  1. I have anxiety with major depression. I am being “screened” for ADD and OCD by my therapist at this time. (Geez, mental issues are not pokemon, I don’t need to “catch them all”!) Well, anyway, I go through emo cycles, in a sense. I use to call the depression phase “the burn-out”. I thought of my anxiety-riddled brain as a electrical board on over-load, the depression would follow this spell when the circuit breakers kicked in. I sometimes think of depression as a safety mechanism for my brain. It helps me to think that my brain/body may have a reason for doing what it does. It may be mal-adaptive, but it had its own reasons. That way I can think that my brain is doing the best it can with what resources it has available (meds and talk therapy is another resource I give my brain). This keeps me from feeling my mental-issued brain as some demented puppet-master that just enjoys making me miserable.
    I have lately been using term “mental issues” instead of “mental illness” when I think or talk about my problems. It may not be correct, but to me, saying something is an “illness”, makes me think it is something that you are suppose to “get better” from at some point. As I have had my “issues” for over 25 years now, I think they are here to stay. Hell, they have not only set up their own place in my brain, they have put up some plastic flamingos in the yard to boot! 🙂 Merry belated Christmas greetings to you!

    • Thanks for the laugh, the pokemon and flamingos comment made laugh out loud. I’m with you. Mental illness has a negative ring to it. I’ve been waiting to recover from my “illness” for 22 years now. It ain’t happening. Chronic mental issues sounds more accurate. Thanks for giving ,me another point of view, you make a lot of sense.

  2. I would absolutely be in favour of a “cry and/or smash shit” break.

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