Have you ever felt your heart pounding in your throat?

R asked me that question today, as he was about to try a “creative” fix for a tv, which could result in the tv working or blowing up.

I didn’t say it aloud but YES I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE EXACTLY BECAUSE I LIVE MY ENTIRE LIFE THAT WAY, FFS.

And I do. It’s not some affectation. My entire life is lived on the edge of a panic, feeling my heartbeat in my throat, paralyzed with fear and trepidation.

Of course I know how it feels.

But he thought enough of it to mention it.

Yet that is how I live my entire life yet I should make no mention of it because, well my fear isn’t logical and normal.

Bloody hell.

It was not a good day.

I was carrying Spook inside to my mom’s, and I tripped, we both went down and she bonked her head and I scraped my knees raw to the point they are swollen like oranges and raw. Spook proved more resilient than I.

Finally got the car going,even though it was in the middle of a snow/rainstorm.

The cold settled into my bones and I couldn’t shake it.

\My kid lost a shoe in the snow so I had to take Christmas money to buy her new shows.

All the while, my heart is thundering and my mind is on overload and I just don’t want to deal with all the bullshit anymore…Yet I keep on going, wondering if I am strong enough or if eventually, I will fall on my face, crushed under the weight of it all.

Mood up.

Mood down.

Mood in between.

Panic panic panic.

The Cymbalta has helped with the crippling depression, but it has canceled out the Xanax and brought about a whole new level of panic and anxiety that is constant.

Lovely.

Thankfully, it is bedtime.

Reboot.

I see the sunshine spewing counselor for the first time in two months tomorrow.

Wonder how she can make me feel even shittier. She always manages.

Too bad they didn’t have a pill for hope.

I am about out.

Reality does not replenish.

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2 Responses to “Have you ever felt your heart pounding in your throat?”

  1. If you find a pill for hope, I’ll take some! I’d give my arm for just a day without anxiety. I’ve lived in a perpetual state of hyper-vigilance/arousal… I yearn for moments when my mind wouldn’t race, heart pound, shoulders tense, skin on red alert… my skin is freaking panicked… It sucks. I hope your knees are better and Spook’s little noggin too!

    • The best I have come to describing the constant anxiety is it’s like my skeleton is trying to crawl out from under my skin. Of course, this just makes non panickers look at me like I am deranged. Feel the empathy. Thanks for the well wish. Spook is just fine, nothing keeps her down. I on the other hand came home last night, dumped peroxide on my knees, and emitted shrieks of agony I didn’t even let out during labor when they jabbed the needle in my spine for the epidural. I’m only dignified when I have an audience, apparently. 😉

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