Anxiety attack from hell

For the last year, I have been through stressful periods, and sometimes, I fell apart and emotional shrapnel went flying.

Other times, it was just “take it a day at a time” and while I worried, I did not obsess or come apart at the seams.

I was pondering this the other day, how with all that has gone wrong in the last year, am I not spazzing out?

Well, it hit last night, in the form of an anxiety attack that lead to a heart attack-like panic episode.

It was 11:30 pm, I was finally going to bed…and WHAM! My mind just began to overflow, a total traffic jam of financial stressors and what ifs and holiday stress. It boiled over, and my heart rate accelerated, my thoughts became fearful and paranoid, my mood went from semi stable and upbeat to OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCKAMIGONNADO??????

It was all encompassing. Gripping.

I had to take an extra xanax.

I eventually fell asleep.

And woke up at 3:52 am and have been up since.

My stomach is burning, which is the typical physical reaction when my stress level boils over.

I do not want to see my job lady today. Not after being rejected for that position I wanted so desperately. It was doubly insulting that I was disqualified from the running the very day after the interview. I guess a history of instability and a panic attack induced babbling during the interview are not what employers are looking for.

That just kicked me down into the gutter.

I had had hope. I am fully qualified. But I will never live down my past. And I can’t even deny my present struggle.

Major bucket of suckage.

I don’t want to go to the shop.

I don’t want to think about Christmas.

I want to curl up under a warm blanket in a nice dark safe closet and lick my wounds and try to remember how to breathe.

But I will wind myself up and do what has to be done and pray the physical symptoms die down soon. It is so hard to function when not just your mind is off kilter, but when your body has followed as well.

People think mental problems are not a big deal provided you are not dancing in the street naked while wearing a tinfoil hat.

They are very very very wrong.

Mental illness impacts everything in your life, not just things that are stressful.

Would be one thing if my “symptoms” were limited to holding a job.

But this shit follows me everywhere, jobs, relationship, hobbies, socializing, even my ability to relate to my kid.

And those morons who think it’s some character flaw or a weakness…I would like to shoot them. Not nice, but sorry, I would. Or whack them with the metaphoric shovel.

This is not a good quality of life.

having to wind yourself up on a daily basis wears you down physically and mentally.

I am at the point now where I have to force myself into the shower with self bullying techniques. It just seems like too much trouble. No one cares how I look. No one wants to get close enough to me to tell if I smell bad. They might catch my mental cooties.

What does it fucking matter?

But I will fling myself into the shower, and I will feel better afterwards.

Then will come time to shower again and the battle with myself will begin again.

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.



2 Responses to “Anxiety attack from hell”

  1. I have sometimes wondered if I should dance naked in the streets wearing a tinfoil hat, just so people would take me seriously… haven’t done it yet though. 😛

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