The Panic and Paranoia Monster

I did a bad thing.

I went 18 hours without a Xanax.

Now I am in major freak out panic/paranoid mode.

Our medical card hasn’t arrived yet.

What does that mean? Has something happened to make us ineligible and the redtape hasn’t gotten around to informing met yet?

I didn’t get a new Medicare enrollment package, what does that mean? I got my prescription plan info,so…

Has the evil estranged ex done something to interfere? I can’t imagine what, but I’d put nothing past him. Hiding the mail would not be unthinkable for him,to get back at me for not going along with the do it yourself divorce.

Panic panic panic

Paranoia paranoia paranoia

Of course my kid thinks now is the perfect time to start whining and howling for mommy.

My mind just keeps spinning round and round, my heart has been pounding like a damn jackhammer all day. Part of this is Cymbalta, it makes me panic, and it’s been almost a week, so I’m wondering if this side effect is going to go away or not. If not, this is one sucky treatment for panic disorder.

Oh god oh god.

The walls are closing in.

I can’t breathe.

What’s coming next?

I got a different car today. Did I fuck up the paperwork transferring everything?

What if I get a ticket for some unknown infraction at the time of the accident, like breathing in a no breathing zone?

ohgodohgod.

My mood improves slightly.

The anxiety and paranoia go off the flipping charts.

(why won’t my kid stop howling at me????)

(this is not helping and I know, grow up, kid first, blah blah, but panic attacks have no respect for the order of things.)

Panic attacks are illogical but based on logic. Fearing your whole world is coming down around you is a logical fear.

Paralyzing fear that in spite of trying so hard to do everything right, you somehow fucked up.

terror

panic

wait for xanax to kick in.

can’t believe the number of people who say it makes them sleepy.

once it kicks in, i will be wide awake and remember how to breathe and think clearly.

And she wants to take this lifesaver away from me?

Nutsy koo-koo.

I may as well have just run into a machete wielding guy in a hockey mask,for the level of fear I am feeling now.

cannot yank

out

clumps

of hair.

The screaming won’t stop.

make it stop.
make it all stop.

oh god.

i hate this so much. Thirty bloody years of it is enough, why won’t it just go away?

FIX ME FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Yet they say panic attacks and paranoia are no big deal.

LIE.

 

 

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