Condition: Coming Unhinged

I am not doing well this morning.

I am angry at certain people and not sure if it’s warranted because they did indeed screw me over or if it’s just some crazy conspiracy affront my own warped mind has concocted.

I am agitated to infinity and beyond, every sound and action grating on my nerves. It’s all I can do to keep a civil tongue with my kid because she always knows when mommy is at her worst and it’s open season to act out, pick, pick,pick, push push push,as hard as she can and smile while watching mommy come unraveled.

My anxiety is through the fucking roof in spite of a mg of Xanax.

I feel like my skeleton is trying to crawl out of my skin.

I want to set fire to my own brain.

I can find absolutely no reason why life is worth living at this time.

I hate everything and everyone, and especially I hate myself.

Face it. I did this to myself. I’d gone through Effexor withdrawal twice before, I knew the hell it introduced. Still, I told the doctor I wanted to try Effexor again because in the past it had given me a couple of years’ high functionality. Desperation breeds stupidity.

Bucket of fail. Paying the price.

I have been stepping down for six weeks now.  Soon,I will enter two weeks of 37.5 then…free fall into nothing.

I am told the anger stems from the withdrawal.

Lest it by my own hubris at work, I won’t unequivocally dismiss that possibility.

But having done this twice before and going to paranoid hallucinating scared of her own shadow territory, I can honestly say the anger is an anomaly.

Unless you ask The Donor,  whose single most memorable quote to me was “You are one angry bitch.”

Eh, I have my anger issues, but it’s rarely like a fever  flowing through my veins.

So…effexor withdrawal…wellbutrin side effect…my natural state of being.

I don’t know any more. Little of all three perhaps?

I feel for anyone going through any sort of withdrawal from this class of drugs. It tests your psyche and today, my psyche is losing, big time. I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep, not have to face the way I am feeling because I can’t escape it. This is not some case of “do something you enjoy to distract yourself”. This is physical and mental and all consuming and until things get settled down a couple of months down the road…this is my lot in life,for now.

Joy joy happy happy.

I don’t think I want to try Wellbutrin again. From the first day, there were things going on in my head that weren’t there prior to it going into my system, and I think it may just be a bad reaction. That happens sometimes. I almost died from a bad reaction to a medication back in 2000. Not unheard of.

Leaves the question…what then?

I don’t know. Surviving the here and now seems to take precedence.

Though sometimes just surviving the day feels like an impossible task because I am at war with my own body and mind.

 

 

 

 

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4 Responses to “Condition: Coming Unhinged”

  1. After reading this about Effexor, I think I’m just going to give my Wellbutrin one more shot not to fail me. I don’t think I want that.

    And aren’t children the most magnificent creatures? My son does the same thing to me. I realized something the other day. I usually pop a Xanax before going shopping at a potentially crowded store, because it’s the number one way to set my anxiety off. Admittedly, I was a little loopy, talking in my little sing song voice, not affected by the incessant screaming of my kid. And the second I started talking in that sing song voice to him while he was throwing another one of his epic fits, he calmed down. I can’t for the life of me figure it out.

    If I try to keep my cool and I’m becoming unhinged, he still loses it. But, if I’m all docile from being dopey, he’s cool. Weirdo stuff…

    • Xanax makes you loopy? Wow. It has zero loopy factor for me. If anything,it makes me think more clearly and I function better. It doesn’t make me sleepy or anything, which is why I love it. Just holds the crazy panic at bay so I can get on with things.
      As for Wellbutrin…It may be a great medication but I would not know, since I am stuck in this limbo state trying to rid my system of Effexor. After so many failures, I am seriously going to start researching alternative medication therapies. Maybe a dual mood stabilizer or something. I am sooo frustrated.
      My kid…Well, let’s just say since my mom started babysitting her, everything good about her behavior I had helped instill has gone to hell. My mom is the type who doesn’t want to be the adult, she wants to be your friend. I know, she did it with my sister and me. Yes is her favorite word to say,to pretty much everything, so you don’t dislike her.
      She’s created a rather manipulative spoiled Spooky monster.
      Lately,I have just been turning the tables. When she says “You leave me alone!”: I just mock her and say “You leave mommy alone!”
      Oddly, it seems to amuse her but it defuses her as well.
      Kids, a species unto themselves. 🙂

      • Aren’t parents great? While I was working, mine spoiled the hell out of my kid and gave him the tendency to recreationally eat. I had to restrict his diet so that he could grow into all of the weight that he gained. Freakin’ figures. They have no idea how to raise a child, so they just feed them to keep him occupied. I’m home now, and we moved, so I’m done with all of that. Now I can finally raise my kid the right way.

        My son started something funny for him. He has a speech delay related to autism spectrum disorder, so he’s just now starting to speak up. So, he’ll get mad at me and call everything stupid. I think it’s kind of funny. “It’s stupid! You’re stupid!” LOL. I just let him go. I probably let too many things go, but I don’t want to discourage his vocal expression, however rude.

  2. Hi…I realize it’s about 3 years after you posted this…however, I am coming off of effexor (4th attempt) I am doing way better this time around but am experiencing a strange paranoia I couldn’t possibly explain…I would like it if you would contact me on kik messenger tressi85 or email me tressi.pierce@gmail.com
    Could really use some inspiration from someone who has been here!!

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