The cure is worse than the disorder

I PURPOSELY skipped my Abilify today…

And for the first time in weeks, I was actually calmer, less paranoid, less anxious, and more focused on what I needed to do at the shop. I think the side effects of the Abilify are overwhelming whatever benefits there might be.

It would seem simple, just stop taking it and tell the doctor I can’t handle the side effects.

I have, however, had such a response to so many meds, and had my feelings quashed or dismissed by doctors, that it is no longer simple for me. I fear that like Dr Osteopath, I will be accused of just not giving the medication an honest try, not giving it enough time, or “not wanting it to work.”

Which is bullshit.

I want to feel better sooo bad. It’s felt for weeks now like my seasonal affect is going in reverse, because I’ve been sleeping later, doing less with my appearance, and just feeling paranoid and anxious and distracted at all times.

Today was the first day I felt normal in weeks.

More like myself, less like a high strung tin foil hat wearing freakazoid.

I am going to give it a couple of days in case it was a fluke, then I will call the shrink and just be honest. I think it might be a good medication, but the side effects are making my condition worse, especially at this higher dose. And she warned me this could happen so I doubt she will be shocked or play the whole “you don’t want to get better” card.

But Osteoshrink scarred me so now I am paranoid of all doctors saying such idiotic things and making me feel shitty.

I just know I liked how I felt today as opposed to how I have been feeling. Part of feeling good is feeling good about yourself, and Abilify is doing the opposite. I think it is on its way out.

 

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