I don’t wanna be today

Thurs 5/31/12 3:55 pm

We went from ninety five in the shade to sixty and cold rain.
My bones ache from the cold dampness.
I am sitting here, a kitten on each shoulder, and my feet are numb.

I did a good one today. I brought the shop phone home in my pocket. I stuck it in my sweater pocket when we went back to smoke…then I just left with it. Had to call R, and Kenny came and got it. He also brought me cigarette rolling supplies, a fountain drink, and a 2 liter of Dr Pepper. Said they were “taking care of me”, although R says it was mostly Kenny.

Nonetheless, I still feel like a giant dumbduck.

Yesterday, I borrowed Kenny’s lighter and brought it home with me.

I worry that they are starting to notice that I am slipping.

I wonder if it’s the erratic sleep patterns.

I wonder if it’s a side effect of the meds.

I wonder if I am just finally cracking and losing my mind.

Dreary day. I didn’t want to be sitting at home, I didn’t want to be at the shop. I just really wanted to not be.
I dunno why.
Some days are like that.

Spook is napping, she was crankmaster 2012.
I am trying to just unwind and gather my thoughts.
Hard to do when these kittens won’t let me move an inch without being attached to me. I guess it is what I wanted, although not to this extreme. These are serious mama’s babies, to a disturbing degree.

I feel like such an idiot. I should not be making all these dumb mistakes. Geesh. I could hear R’s annoyance on  the phone. (Or am I imagining it? I never know.)

I should be napping.
I need the rest.
I need alone time, too.
Juggle, juggle.
I can’t juggle.
I am trying.
I am failing in some respects.
I am slipping. And I am afraid.
And I wish the counselor would listen to me and not just assume I am being a pessimist. This is serious, I know the signs too well…The cycle has started its next phase.

I just…
don’t wanna


One Response to “I don’t wanna be today”

  1. I had that too! I told my Shrink and my counsellor that I was falling, and the shrink said “that’s not possible on the meds you’re on” and my counsellor just didn’t do anything.

    So I get how irritating it is when they don’t listen. I guess all I can suggest is telling her louder and if that doesn’t work find another way? Maybe tell your GP or something?

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