Archive for June, 2012

Weird place

Posted in biolar disorder with tags , on June 27, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

Stupid dr office told me to just halve the Abilify so I am right back to flipping my lid. I had to come home from the shop yesterday because I was crawling out of my skin and sure I had left a lit cigarette or something and my home was burning down. Then I got home and within twenty minutes I zonked out on the couch. I am just exhausted anymore, like my seasonal affect energy levels are in winter mode, and during winter they were in spring mode. It’s the strangest thing.

I was better after the nap but only marginally.

I am very depressed. Very distracted.

Very sick of it all.

I don’t want to be trapped in this prison. I want to break the chains.

So why can’t I?

I’ve gained like 20 pounds since starting Abilify. Most people lose weight. I am a fucking cow. It makes picking out my clothes a living hell. My diet hasn’t changed and I had lost 60 pounds, so this is a major blow to my self esteem. It adds to the depression, and I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything.

Hell, it’s so bad, I’ve been sponge bathing for three days because I can’t work up the gumption to shower. I should feel ashamed of that and I kinda do, but then, I am so dead inside from the anti psychotic/anti depressant, it’;s hard to feel much emotion at all. I’m  not even angry now. Just exhausted.

It’s got to get better, right?

Depression: Pondering my own self absorption

Posted in mental illness on June 26, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

I just read a post about how some people make it all about them like they have it worse than anyone else…

and I wondered if that’s what people think of me.

Face it, depression is an inherently selfish, self centered illness. Your entire life revolves around your symptoms and emotions. If you feel like the world is crashing, it’s hard to paste on the happy face and fake it with lies.

It’s easy to get caught up in that. Not like your problems are any worse than those of anyone else. But, you’re trapped in your own mental space and you lack the capacity to think outside that box, let alone consider that, so it seems like you care only about yourself. The destruction wreaked by depression is multi layered.

I spend a lot of time being introspective. I used to lack the emotional intelligence to do thagt, so I am sort of proud that I have grown as a person. I guess sometimes, I read something or hear something, and while technically it is not directed at me, I am humble enough to see myself in it and wonder…AM I LIKE THAT?

Sadly, I know I can come off that way.

Which is why I really don’t discuss my mental shit outside this blog and with Bex. No one wants to hear it, I am well aware of this, but I also know that I would have given anything for all those years to know I’m not alone in how I feel, so I share my struggles in hopes of letting even just one other soul know…you are not alone.

If it reeks of self absorption…

Then I apologize.



Posted in biolar disorder with tags , , , , , on June 24, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

Saturday sucked.

Going off of meds, even ones with sucky side effects, is a pain in the ass.

I didn’t even feel like going to yard sales. I ran errands only out of necessity. Then came home to be utterly bored the entire day, not wanting to see anyone or go anywhere, yet so restless I couldn’t sit still or focus on anything at home. I need to get into my pocket, that safe confined spot where I am content to sit at home, read, write, watch tv, et al.

I haven’t been in that pocket in two months, at least.

Thank you, Abilify. It helped my mood, but made me feel like I was losing my mind.

Now it is 1:38 a.m. on Sunday and I woke after four hours of sleep. I fell asleep to the Bone Collector, after watching 3 episodes of Millenium. I watch some dark shit, but for whatever bizarre reason, I find it soothing. Not in I wanna be a serial killer, but I admire the people who catch the monsters and knowing they are out there to counter the balance of evil vs good makes me calmer.

Hell, I don’t know. Maybe I am just babbling.

I hope today is better. The more the stuff gets out of my system, the better I should start to feel. Unless it was helping my mood that significantly, but I don’t believe it was.

I do believe however that I am going to declare myself done with anti psychotics. If she didn;t have such an attitude about about Xanax, she could help me immenesely and wipe out the paranoia by upping my xanax to what it used to be. It’s the only thing that has ever worked.

Because a bunch of assholes misuse a perfectly good medication, though, I am most likely screwed.


The cure is worse than the disorder

Posted in biolar disorder with tags , , , on June 23, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

I PURPOSELY skipped my Abilify today…

And for the first time in weeks, I was actually calmer, less paranoid, less anxious, and more focused on what I needed to do at the shop. I think the side effects of the Abilify are overwhelming whatever benefits there might be.

It would seem simple, just stop taking it and tell the doctor I can’t handle the side effects.

I have, however, had such a response to so many meds, and had my feelings quashed or dismissed by doctors, that it is no longer simple for me. I fear that like Dr Osteopath, I will be accused of just not giving the medication an honest try, not giving it enough time, or “not wanting it to work.”

Which is bullshit.

I want to feel better sooo bad. It’s felt for weeks now like my seasonal affect is going in reverse, because I’ve been sleeping later, doing less with my appearance, and just feeling paranoid and anxious and distracted at all times.

Today was the first day I felt normal in weeks.

More like myself, less like a high strung tin foil hat wearing freakazoid.

I am going to give it a couple of days in case it was a fluke, then I will call the shrink and just be honest. I think it might be a good medication, but the side effects are making my condition worse, especially at this higher dose. And she warned me this could happen so I doubt she will be shocked or play the whole “you don’t want to get better” card.

But Osteoshrink scarred me so now I am paranoid of all doctors saying such idiotic things and making me feel shitty.

I just know I liked how I felt today as opposed to how I have been feeling. Part of feeling good is feeling good about yourself, and Abilify is doing the opposite. I think it is on its way out.


The altered perception of mental illness

Posted in anxiety disorders, biolar disorder, mental illness with tags , , , , , on June 21, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

My anxiety and paranoia are off the charts again. I left the shop early because my stupid brain became convinced I looked hideous in a dress (yes I wore a dress in an effort to feel less butch and more feminine) and even R was judging me and I became super self conscious and paranoid. I was also worried about the sanctity of my safe zone.

Once home, I changed and felt good about myself for about a half hour.

Then a mirror told me the truth, that I make Shamu look thin, and now I am down in the gutter again. And before anyone tells me to stop shoveling food down my gullet and I won’t have anything to whine about…keep in mind I had kept the weight off and lost some before the Abilify. The damn anti psychotics do it to me every fucking time. My extra pounds come from an addiction to Dr Pepper, not food, I don’t eat that much because that would require me to cook.

And I drank just as much soda prior to the weight gain, so pardon me if I think the medication plays a large role.

I don’t know if I can hack this Abilify. The restless feeling, the lack of focus worsened times ten, the feeling of my skeleton trying to crawl out of my skin…This shit is supposed to be making me calmer, less paranoid, in a better mind frame. It is doing none of these things. I am pissed off and frustrated about it,too. Seems the only emotions I have anymore are pissed off and frustrated. One more med failure is not what I need, which is why I am trying to make lemonade out of lemons and tough it out to give it a chance to work some magic. It’s not working, though, at all.

A friend told me she just tells them what they want to hear when it comes to meds working or not working because they don’t listen anyway. I wish I had the ability to be passive and give up. I don’t. I am determined to find my magic bullet.

21 years, 20 some odd meds, and still no magic.

Now pardon me, my skeleton is crawling out of my skin and I must go chase it down.

So that’s why they call them happy pills

Posted in Uncategorized on June 20, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

In a genius move, I went to the shop yesterday…and forgot to take my meds.

He he he he.

I now know why they are called happy pills.

Kenny was rattling on about several things, the man is a little too opinionated for my tastes, especially when it comes to subjects like women, child support, and child rearing. He reminds me so much of The Donor at times I want to throttle him as a proxy. This man didn’t raise his son, didn’t want his son, and resents paying child support on him and thinks all women are out to trap men for their money. Hmm…Rings several bells.

He was on his soapbox, because there was some baby daddy drama on a talk show and DNA proved the guy fathered the woman’s baby…and she was relieved he’d have to start paying child support. And he went on about how women don;t care about the wellfare of the child, they just want the money. Um, part of a child’s well fare IS the financial support, you stupid fuck.

I blew up. I practically yelled, “No, you got fucked over by one woman who got knocked up and so you have had to pay 18 years of child support and now all women are evil bitches after your money!”

I surprised myself with my viciousness. Probably because I spent three years restraining myself when the Donor spouted off about the same sort of things. I didn’t restrain myself today, I was just bloody angry.

Then I realized why I was so angry.

Ha ha ha, forgot to take the happy pills.

I did not apologize.

He laughed.

End of story.

I’d still be fighting with the Donor about it.

God, it’s nice to deal with semi normal people again who don’t send shrapnel flying by falling apart over the truth.

Little Miss Neurotic

Posted in anxiety disorders with tags , , on June 19, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

Two days now.

Two days of going to the shop and counting down the minutes because I can’t sit still and my skeleton is crawling out of my skin and my anxiety is at fever pitch.

I even made a special trip home today because I felt so out of sorts, I needed to make sure all was okay at home. No fires, no vandalism, power still on (fuckers still haven’t moved that fence next door so I am living in goddamned terror and the landlord won’t do a fucking thing!). Only once I saw my sanctuary was still in tact could I return to the shop and feel calm(er).

I’m also getting that familiar old “gotta be home before 5pm” anxiety. I have no idea why. During the winter it was because it got dark so early and my sight for driving at night is crap.

Now, I don’t know what it is, it just feels compulsory that I be in the door as close to 4:40 pm as possible.
I hate living like this, it’s not living at all, it’s existing and freaking out every moment of said existence.

I try to talk myself out of it, I try to shock myself out of it. Nothing works.

The Abilify is doing fuck all for the paranoia because, as I tried to tell her, the paranoia is born of anxiety. An increase in Xanax would be more helpful for the paranoia.

I’m just the patient, though, I don’t know anything.

I’m also particularly bitchy because of the heat.

Nearly ripped Kenny’s head off, but damn, he was pissing me off. He says some stupid shit at times.


One more day in the petri dish survived, now just to survive a sweaty evening at home.