Cycles

Wed 5/30/12 1:02 a.m.

Tues was…Ick. I started out groggy from the Elavil, grumpy from the curse, then I shifted into hypomania, and this whole side effect of Abilify of not being able to sit still is actually starting to really drive me crazy.
One minute I am at the shop, thinking this is cool.
Next I am crawling out of my skin, thinking how bored I am and I gotta have something to do because just sitting behind a desk isn’t keeping me sane.
Gahhhhhh.
Of course, R and his Mrs had some big drama this weekend so that oppression hung in the air. Kenny told him it’s time to call it quits with her. I agree. I didn’t say as much, I am learning to tactfully keep my mouth shut. R’s penchant for self punishment is just one of those things I find so distasteful, I can’t discuss it without getting venomous. Let him wallow in misery if it floats his boat.
I don’t need that shit dragging me down.

By the time I got home, my mood sundowned and then stabilized into functional hypomania. Then Spook started saying something about “She’s taking our home away” and acting very scared and whiny, which made my anxiety skyrocket and set the paranoia into action.
Then it skyrocketed into absolute anger. Not even sure why. I just suddenly felt very very very angry at certain individuals.
The neighbor kids started bugging me again, actually thinking I was going to sell them a fourty dollar walker for fifty cents. The fuckers are making me regret sitting outside. I just want to be left alone, ffs.
That made me even angrier.

The whole can’t sit still kicked in, yet my attention was not on doing anything, so I paced a bit. I couldn’t even concentrate on reading a single paragraph. I got Spook to bed and then I assumed the position myself.
Musta been tired, I don’t remember falling asleep except it didn’t take too long.

Now here I am awake, pondering it all, feeling the aftermath of all those mood swings during the course of a 14 hour period, and thinking I am fucking exhausted.
Now it is time to do it all over again in a few hours.
And I still feel highly irked with R, so I don’t even know if I want to make an appearance at the shop. Not like I was invited, and he does have Kenny glued to him like a Siamese twin, so why bother? Why mess with the hassle of my mom guilt tripping me for being away from Spook?
Why, why, why.
Why am I so angry at everything?
Why does a knock on the door send me reeling every time?
Why why why.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: