3 am confusion rant

Mon 5/21/12 3:39 a.m.

Woke up at ten til 3.
Got up.
Am burning candles, chain smoking, and writing this.
I have no clue why my brain won’t stay asleep for more than a couple of hours at a time.
It’s irritating.

But then taking massive doses of heavy duty pills to sleep isn’t just irritating, it’s zombie-fying, so that doesn’t work for me either.
It’s a suck it up lesser evil thing.

I have been pondering the last half hour or so if perhaps I am unfair in judging people because of my bipolar or because I am so neurotic.
I don’t believe I am. I mean, I had that gut feeling about The Donor, and I chose to let him sway me otherwise, so I am now a firm believer in heeding the warnings your own gut sends out.
I am, of course, thinking about how much I do not like R’s wife or her son.
There’s something about them, they come across pleasant, but it’s stilted, like there’s this insincerity and smarrogance mixed with disdain. (Not, that is NOT a typo, I coined the term smarrogant to describe the Donor when he was being both smug and arrogant.)
I search my gut and soul trying to figure out what my problem is with them, specifically, as opposed to a gut feeling.
They’re nice, at least to my face.
There’s just something I can’t explain that sets the alarm bells ringing.
And I don’t know if I am merely being a paranoid, or if my gut is once again telling me I am in rattlesnake territory as I was with The Donor.

Being bipolar means being perpetually confused about your own emotions.

I suppose I could be watching the new Underworld movie right now, I borrowed it from my mom’s roommate.
I just have so much trouble getting into movies, it seems to take forever for my interest to be captured. With my attention span being that of a gnat, if the movie has any preamble for storyline reasons, I am bored and shutting it off after ten minutes. Plus, sequels are notoriously horrid.
Still…I have a soft spot for the whole vampire thing.
I will save it for later when I am perhaps in a better mind frame. Right now, I am sort of numb and just…

Maybe folding laundry or doing dishes will pep me up.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. God, I’m so funny.


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