Archive for March, 2012

I am most certainly not okay 3/17 post

Posted in depression, mental illness with tags , , , on March 18, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

(I have a ton of posts but I chose this one as it is most recent and pretty much says everything that has been going on with me for the last 2 months.)

3/17/12 6:29 pm

I am most certainly NOT okay. My kid has me so stressed out and won’t mind a word I say, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Meanwhile, the neighbor has this thud thud thud stereo going where you don’t hear music, just a neverending bass beat over and over and over and over…And after five hours with no escape from that perpetual background next door, my patience and nerves are stretched pretty damn thin.

The shrink and counselor think I’m on a high dose of Xanax?

This is the ONLY time in my life I have ever missed Dr Sarma, the one who nearly killed me, because at least he was old school and he recognized the benefits of xanax in someone like me and kept me 1mg 3 times a day, which was probably the last time I wasn’t a paranoid freak of panic.
I am coming unglued, and I don’t even talk to the counselor until Thursday, and I’m still four days waiting for job lady to call me back about setting up a next appointment…

Adding insult to injury I was subjected to some positive attitude guru on the pbs channel talking about how we all have the power in our minds to decide to be happy and to make ourselves happy instead of deciding we want to be unhappy and making it everyone else’s fault.

He’s an idiot. Anyone who thinks that way is an idiot. A fucking idiot.
Of course, I am menstrual and totally pissy and my nerves are about to snap and I do have this cold bogging me down with fits of sneezing and a faucet nose…so maybe I am a little testy…
But people like him are a menace to people with mental illness. They set us up with notions of grandeur about how we can think ourselves mentally well, and then when it doesn’t happen that way, well, it’s our own fault or we should have known better or we didn’t try hard enough.
These people should be prosecuted for malpractice.
I can just hear the lectures justifying his point of view. Hey, maybe in a lesser state of being pissed off, I might even say, yeah, he has a point, some people are born victims and are whiners rather than fixers (see The Donor) so adapting a new way of looking at and doing things can be beneficial to some.
I can even adapt a little of what he says to certain pessimistic beliefs of my own.
But I have been down the cure-mental-illness-woth-positive-thought road and it’s a big bucket of fail, not to mention, very very dangerous.
I think it’s a shade of gray, and when it is on three different channels at once, I get this one size must fit all vibe, and that…is one sure fire way to piss me off.

Which I pretty much have been since the whole Donor exposure today.
It does not help that my child has been a battery bunny from hell and been doing things left and right to make me mad and inflict physical pain on me while totally ignoring me or turning on the tears at the sound of the word no.
And before I even allow the memory lectures from the professionals and various others who have a one size must fit all mentality…I know I am not the only single mother out there. I know all kids get on your nerves and push your buttons.
Difference being is, I have a bucket of hormones and wacko brain chemicals and a central nervous system that misfires at every turn kicking in my fight or flight response, so when I say I am cracking up…
It is a mistake to take that lightly or try to make me feel like it’s no big deal.
Losing patience with my kid and having to give myself time outs because I am just so…clusterfucked, is a big deal to me.

Then the mood will shift, the nerves will quiet down once I get some sleep and the neighbors go to bed and take all their noise with them.

And then I will be right back at this point tomorrow when the child has flogged me into submission with tantrums, constant incoherent chatter, and laughing and kicking or hitting me. I really have no control over my own child. Or so it feels.
In fact, I am in so far over my head, I wish I had a job to go to just to escape the stress of this single parent thing sometimes.
I want a job to support us.
I need a job to have a place to run away to.
Of course, that opens a whole new can of stressful worms to push me over the edge, but my whole life is a can of bloody worms.

And meanwhile I have everyone telling me I am doing so great blah blah blah. I am struggling. Oh,wait, yes, I can’t say that, because everyone is struggling and my situation is nothing special or new.

I sure as hell don’t think I am special but I do believe the cyclothymia and panic disorder certainly do make my situation a bit different from the ordinary.

Oh, god, she’s crying again, something didn’t go her way…But I paste on the calm pleasant mommy face and bite a hole in my tongue and just comfort myself with thoughts that we can both go to sleep eventually tonight and at least for a few hours, I will escape and have some peace.

If that’s not a symptom of stress and depression, what the hell is?


Trying to fit into a one size fits all society

Posted in mental illness, mood disorders with tags , , , on March 18, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

As I have spoken of before, my shrink wants to take me off Xanax and swap it out for Klonopin then take me off of that. I am terrified because Xanax has been my wonder drug for so many years and every time some genius doctor changes it or takes me off of it, I fall into the paranoid agoraphobic abyss.

I commented on James’ post about Klonopin and he says for him it makes him more centered than Xanax.

I am the opposite, Xanax makes the world around me stop moving so fast so my brain can catch up and I can function and somewhat focus amidst the ADD.

And herein lies the problem with doctors and mental healthcare in general.


The proof of this is in how Zoloft, while being a wonder drug for my sister and mother, made me a zombified suicidal trainwreck.

For me,it was evil. For them, it was good. It would not be fair for me to say this drug must be banned because it didn’t work for me, anymore than them saying Prozac should be banned because it didn’t work for them.

We are all unique individuals with unique body chemistry and we respond to different things.

For whatever reason, my body has responded poorly to all anti anxiety treatments except Xanax.

For some, Xanax was their misery pill and Klonopin rescued them.

When a doctor allows their own bias and personal views to cloud their judgement on doing what is best for each individual patient, they are doing a great disservice to us.

The osteoshrink who made me worse rather than better but actually got the diagnosis of cyclothymia right…used to go on about how all psych meds are the same and only two (one being zoloft) should be allowed on the drug formulary.

I find this to not just be ignorant, but idiotic.

While he may have a point in the similarities amongst classes of psych drugs, the wild card is the human element and what each individual will respond to in a way that nets the best possible outcome. His arrogance at seeing things only his own way borders on malpractice because he is cheating his patients out of what could be their miracle drug by declaring them all the same. The drugs may be.

We, as humans, with mental illnesses, are not.

I want to be treated as an individual, and be allowed input into my own care. I live in this mind and body. The doctor does not. I have to live with side effects and try to remain functional in spite of it all. I should have the right to say, this is NOT in my best interest, without being accused of being combative.

I see it no differently than Tylenol Vs Advil. Some people respond to one but not the other, that’s why there are options even on over the counter medications.

So why have a one size must fit all philosophy in psychiatry when you’re basically holding someone’s well being in your hands and they are at your mercy?

Doctors must consider each patient as a person, as an individual.

And realize, just like people come in all shapes and sizes, so does mental illness and the medications we respond to.