I took my sick kid to the dr today. She was screaming in pain so she wouldn’t let me bathe her or brush her hair and while I’m okay with that since I barely care sick or not about my own hair and stuff…You get to this posh office with all these parents who are so together and their kids look like shiny new cars all polished and pristine…I felt like a shit mom and I was good and pissed off and ready to snap. YOU spend the night with a kid spewing from both ends and see how well rested and organized you are.
Oh, wait, some of them probably did spend the night like that and still managed to do better than I can at my best.
She has a dual ear infection again. The nurse told me it was bacteria trapped from her not blowing her nose properly. THEN in comes the uppity doctor who says it’s all cigarette smoke, that’s the only cause of ear infections. Even if you smoke outdoors,it’s still on your clothes and breath so you get it on your kid and make them sick. Odd how my mother smoked around us and we didn’t get ear infections. They change it to something new every decade or so. Except smoking’s been blamed for everything for 20 years now and it’s gotten old. I wonder what the cause is for kids who don’t have bad parents who smoke. Maybe mom uses PineSol and the fumes are bad for kids….
My kid then made this miraculous recovery. “I want ice cream.” “Take me to see Grandma.” “Give me this.” “Go here.” She';s a dictator and I tell her no but she still pulls that shit. And it makes me feel like a fucking prisoner. I feel held captive by my controlling 4 year old (On the next Maury!)
Got her home and she tried eating…And became Linda Blair, minus pea soup. Can’t even keep water down. And I am trying to be empathetic because I feel (or would if lithium let me) empathetic…
THEN the landlord’s wife, who hasn’t shone her face here in FIVE years, suddenly has taken an interest in the property and put on this polite “Oh, look at the pretty kitties” speech before telling me to have my cats hauled off and stop feeding any that hang around. Five years I’ve been here, not a word said, and now this woman parades in and makes edicts. Most of them are feral, the shelter won’t find them homes, they’ll be put down so don’t stand there and pretend you care, bitch. I hate when people butt in and disrupt my status quo. Some of those cats were here when I moved in, for fuck’s sake. She even suggested I put the ones that are mine back indoors, because re-potty training them is so easy. Never mind them destroying the inside, let’s not have them outside. It looks tacky. FUCK OFF AND DIE.
I was already down and my angry paranoia on overdrive, but the day has just chipped away at every vestige of sanity I have. I am more depressed now than I was six months so fuck you Viibryd, and how well I handle the ups and downs and stressors depends on my mental state. So…
I’m flying apart and mental shrapnel is everywhere. Plus the anger, it’s overpowering, I just hate everything violently.
I am supposed to register her for kindergarten tomorrow.I can’t send her to school spewing. I can';t get anyone to come watch her cos they don’t want to risk catching the flu. So tomorrow is fucked before it’s even here, my hands are bloody well tied.
My writing has been shit. I can’t look at my cats without blinding rage because they make me think of that woman. I can’t enjoy a smoke because the doctor';s in my head telling me I am a bad mother and enjoying that cigarette is going to make koala embryos sick, too. Okay, my brain is overloaded and being stupid but still.,…
this day has been shit.Hopefully my kid feels better by Wednesday because I don’t think mommy skipping the shrink appt is a good idea. I think I need it desperately.