After several good sessions where I felt the counselor was helping…Today was lump day. She sat back in her chair and just looked at me and nodded. About the only thing she added to the conversation was “Make limits for your kid” and “You’re making excuses not to move on with your life by blaming the disorders.”
The whole point is to break the cycle and go in to the whole work/normal life thing stable. Which I am not right now. She says I may never be and I am just waiting for what might never happen so I need to go for it. I don’t agree. Telling anyone I am stable right now is out and out lying. And I feel like her urging me to perpetuate that lie is some sort of misconduct. Sure, I want to do the computer courses. But what would be the point in signing up, taking the placement test, getting a loan…only to fall flat on my face because I wasn’t on solid ground? I mean, I’ve done this many times before (um, writing classes, having a literary agent, et al.)
Oh, right, she said that just because it happened once before doesn’t mean it will happen again and I need to keep an open mind.
Happened once? Try happens every single time. I start out manic, thinking I am indestructible and could take on the world with duct tape and a ruler like MacGuyver. That’s why I always end up flat on my face.
Oh, well, we had a good streak. Today she was useless. I kept asking her if she could help me clarify if my thinking was distorted or clear as far as the paranoid thoughts about R and such. She gave me nothing, no feedback, no questions, just that smug blank stare as she lounged back in her chair.
I left feeling shittier than when I went in, which took some doing, because I have mega cramps and my knee is swollen up and bugging me because well bum knees do that shit.
Went to the shop. Was rather feisty at first. Then became absolutely apathetic, staring off into space. By mid afternoon and the tenth telling of how someone totaled R’s parked car at 2 am, I was manic. Which quickly slid into “wow, it’s time to finally leave and go home and nurse my cramps.”
Cripes. Mood gamut from hell.
Told me kid no company tonight. She went back to watching Spongebob. Maybe she’s getting sick of them. One can hope.
I just feel…disconnected yet overly connected. Like I want to scream yet be silent.
Next week, I get to see the shrink and the counselor. That should be as much fun as being bitten by rampaging ebola monkeys. These people are supposed to help me but I am seriously losing faith in that notion. I want to just say fuck it all. Screw the meds, screw the counseling. I am getting nowhere no matter what I do.
But I don’t think I am making excuses. I have failed so many times due to distorted moods and thoughts. Maybe I am being too cautious, but if I were making excuses, I would be holed up in my safe zone, not out there trying to cope. Maybe she had pms or a bad mood. Because she was just of no help at all.
Clarity, how I seek thee.
I miss the days when I had even less to live for and yet, still managed to survive on three hours’ sleep, using every possible moment to indulge all my interests. Since my kid was born, I haven’t been able to recapture that same energy. Now I live for falling into bed at night and not thinking about all this bullshit. That is an excuse. Because things are depressing and seem hopeless and rather than stay awake and dwell on it, I fall into sleep, hoping for some dream induced epiphany. Earlier, I was wondering if maybe I should try really hard to severely injure myself. Maybe if I damn near bled out or had to have brain surgery it would turn things around. Sick, but true. Of course, I won’t because I am the only parent my kid has (I don’t give a fuck what the law says). When I sniffled earlier and she told me I needed to see a doctor to “take all your snot out of your nose”, I cracked up laughing.
THAT is why I am still here. Being her mom was what I was born for. It is the most important thing I will ever do.
So if being a mom feels so right…Why does everything else feel so wrong?
Anyone every tried self electro shock? I’m desperate.